That’s right, we’re hiring again. Read through this entire job description before you fill out the form. I’m not going to read through hundreds of submissions from people who didn’t even bother to read this paragraph. I’ll know who read the instructions, and who just puked their submission into the contact form below. Don’t be the latter. Don’t.

TITLE: Website Contributor

REPORTS TO: Courtney Kirchoff

DESCRIPTION: Write two stories per day, 5 days a week (schedule to be determined) based on the Louder with Crowder style and format. If you need “style and format” explained, then you’re not reading our daily stories. Don’t submit for this job.

The Contributor pitches news ideas, follows direction from the Editor and must write clever, funny, concise stories in a short span of time (2 hours at most), then submit the story by the given daily deadline.

The Contributor must also create original images for each piece, in the correct format, using the template provided.

REQUIREMENTS:

  • WordPress experience
  • Photoshop (have the program and cursory knowledge of it)
  • Dropbox account
  • HTML (not required but a plus)

 

PLEASE SUBMIT IF…

People laugh at your writing, be they emails, limericks, Facebook posts, tweets, or Amazon.com reviews on the infamous banana slicer. We want the funny.

You’re up on the news, both political and cultural.

You’re flexible on time. This position requires fast writing. If you have a demanding day job and cannot accommodate our schedule or flexible nature of the news, don’t submit a sample for this job. Don’t.

You’re conservative. This should be a major duh moment, alas, must be said.

You’re pro-active, ambitious, eager to advance and do your best. We’re looking for leaders, not lemmings.

DO NOT SUBMIT IF…

Your writing style is serious, dry, boring. Or if you use more than one exclamation point and think it’s funny. “Killary” and “Obummer” like word-plays aren’t welcome here. Such hackery is better left for clickbait sites, of which we are not.

If you’re sensitive to criticism and wilt like a feminist who’s told no, a size 16 is not the ideal body type. Your work will be altered, edited, sentences deleted, sections re-written. Defensiveness isn’t a welcome attribute here.

You need a lot of direction. If you’re the type of person who’s always asking their boss “What should I do next?” rather than finding something to do on your own, or “I don’t understand this problem, I’m going to interrupt someone instead of finding the answer for myself, because I’m a lazy squishmuffin,” please don’t submit for this job.

SUBMISSION TIPS:

Do: write original jokes, wow us with the giggles, add insightful commentary as per our post formula.

Don’t: Tell me your life story, make pleas, sing a sad song as to why I should hire you, use words incorrectly (ahem, “literally”), rely on crutch phrases/cliches (“at the end of the day,” “in the fact that,” “completely decimated”), write too short or too long. We’re not looking for columns. Don’t submit a column.

Follow our post formula. Yes, I’ve written this three times. Should be a giant hint.

WHAT TO SUBMIT:

  1. Your name, phone number, time zone, availability, Twitter handle.
  2. Two stories which follow the Louder with Crowder story style and format.
  3. Don’t include hyperlinks in your submission, as the form will think you’re a spammer and won’t send it.
  4. The end, that’s it. I don’t care about your life story, sob stories, degrees, educational experience, or hatred of Facebook and/or Starbucks. I only care if you can write well, quickly and with the chuckles.

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