Dear inheritor of Steve Jobs' legacy,

Life hasn't been the same since Steve passed. Your products haven't worked as well, Apple Music was a bust, but worst of all, you've entered the social justice wars, only to make a complete asshat of yourself.

Maybe if you focused more energy on innovation (you know, what you're paid to do?) rather than wading into all things liberal, I'd be willing to upgrade my AppleTV. Which now has the utility of a paperweight, thanks for asking.

But enough about how your products have been suffering. I can write about how iTunes pops up with the same brain-explodingly frustrating error message another time. This open letter is in regards to your embarrassingly hypocritical stances on all the gay things. You may be wondering if I'm joking, what with you being both super gay and super in charge. No. Worry not, I'll break it down for you real nice like. At the very least, I promise you a smoother user experience than that of the ApplePaperweight.

It's recently come out that Apple will boycott the Republican National Convention because of Trump, specifically his "bigoted rhetoric." Words. Now to be fair, I'm not Trump's greatest fan either (read Worried Yet? Donald Trump Sounds more like Michael Moore than Hillary...). Not just for his words or the hair. In fact the orange sherbet coif is the least of his problems. As a private company you're free to boycott whomever you like, for any reason you like. Okay? Okay. The intent of this open letter isn't to lecture your boycotting of the RNC, it's simply a springboard into how you speak out of both sides of your gently used mouth. A delightful parlor trick on the whole, but rather unbecoming of a giant company which prides itself on "forward thinking."

On the one hand you and your iCohorts claim to be Knights of the Rainbow Table - with you, Tim Cook, as the flamboyant, gallant leader. I know you expect me to make phallic-based sword jokes, but I promise that shan't happen. Outside of the one that just did. Because gayness. Stop feigning surprise. Stay focused.

Sir Timothy, one of your lengthy quests has been to virtue-signal to the world and customer base, about just how much you care. Not more than a few months ago, Apple boycotted North Carolina over men not being allowed to pee with girls. As noble a cause there's ever been for someone who lacks logic acumen. Or young daughters uncomfortable at the sight of a girthy penis. It doesn't generate as much excitement for them as it does for you.

But on the other limp-wristed hand, Sir Timothy, you gladly do business in countries where it's illegal to be gay at all (Saudi Arabia, Iran, Qatar, the UAE to name a few). How illegal is the gayness in these countries? Methinks one receives more than a dirty look for your ass-less chap prancersizing.

No, the punishment for gayness in these countries is one fatal toss from a rooftop. Perhaps a hanging. Maybe a simple execution via sword. Killed by your own phallic symbol! The irony. The blatantly homosexual irony.

But wait, there's more. As noted in an article in This Week:

Cook certainly doesn't seem to feel a burning moral need to boycott India, a place where homosexuality is punishable by life imprisonment. Instead, back in May, he received a warm welcome from Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi and the two sat down to talk shop about Apple's expansion into the world's largest democracy.

So India will toss you in the clink if you fancy yourself a twink. For someone who claims to have a monopoly on all the feels, Sir Timothy, your sit down with India is inexcusable. Alas, you went ahead anyway. But Donald Trump wanting to "build a wall"?

What conclusion am I supposed to draw here, Timmy? Look, you could've avoided this entire kerfuffle with me had you said "We're boycotting Trump because he wanted us to break the iPhone to help the feds." Had you used that as your only explanation, my reaction would've been one of uproarious applause. We gave you plenty of credit where due when the FBI demanded you break into your own phone just because they were incompetent apes. I did a little fist bump when you politely, between the lines, told them to go screw themselves.

But that's not why Apple is boycotting the RNC.

No, your boycotting of the RNC serves the same purpose as boycotting North Carolina. It has nothing to do with your caring about the LGBT community or its causes. Your boycott has nothing to do with Trump, either. The boycott has everything to do with scoring the feeling points in the eyes of the media, and perhaps a small fraction of your customer base. You want "atta boys" from fellow leftists. You stuck it to the right wing again, bravo!

But no. We can see you clearly, Tim. Not only are you a giant hypocrite, you're rather an ass. You cannot claim to care about LGBT causes while glad hanging with countries which execute them.

You're nothing but a sellout, Tim. You've sold out your LGBT iCohorts for money. Yet you're trying to score points for boycotting the RNC. Do not mount your noble high horse over this boycott. You've done enough mounting for one day.

Written by Courtney Kirchoff