Today the global stock market took a nosedive into Oh Crap City. Actually it started spiraling last week in the People's Republic of China, and spread over here. Should've known. My last fortune cookie prediction read: "You shall be rich in goodness."

Naturally there will be a lot of blame games, because what's more fun than pointing childishly at someone and saying, "NUH UH, YOU DID IT!" Let's get the ball rolling, shall we? Here are the top 5 people or institutions who will be assigned blame.

1. Unfettered free trade/capitalism

What better thing to blame than capitalism, the left's favorite punching bag and scape goat. In fact, Bernie "Mao" Sanders was quick to tweet that exact thing. Whatever you do, though, never ask about how heavily the government regulates the market. Whatever you do, do not Google "quantitative easing." No, just blame the free markets. Never government over-regulation or crony capitalism.

2. George W. Bush

He hasn't been in office for seven years, but that bastard is always pulling at strings. We think he called Dick Chaney and said, "You know what sounds fun? Crashing the market. Also, horseshoes." Remember, to the left, George W. Bush is both the dumbest cow pie west of the Appalachians, and also the greatest plotter of secret conspiracies.

3. Republicans in Congress

Obama took office, and with a majority EVERYTHING, had a couple years to do whatever he wanted. Then, the Republicans in Congress, led by Boehner the Brave and McConnell the Magnificent, have irked and poked at Obama by giving no opposition whatsoever, all in the spirit of bipartisanship and cowardice. Naturally Obama & co. will climb to the nearest podium and blame the opposition party. Why not? It's worked so far and they do nothing about it.

4. Donald Trump

Because he's the GOP front runner and he was a big meanie said some things about China when he kicked off his campaign. So Trump is either brilliant in his clear predicting/addressing of the current issue, or he's an idiot who's totally responsible for global meltdown. It just depends on whether you have an (R) or (D) next to your name.

And Finally... George W. Bush.

Dude was so evil with his pretzels and his invasion of Iraq, he needs to be blamed twice. Also because Obama is still blaming him. Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi probably will too. And the media will blame Bush and Bush's policies. To be certain, they want you to do so as well.

What's next?

Well, maybe the housing bubble will burst. Maybe the Fed will call for even more regulation because people can't be trusted. Maybe the Chinese will call in their debts.

Or maybe, just maybe, you'll hear a bunch of talking heads on CableNews making fake predictions to convince you that they're experts, when really... they're just monkeys throwing crap.