Dear projecting asshats:

Let's talk Russia. Specifically, how you've spread yourselves wide for the "formerly" communist nation. In the past few days, a few unflattering stories have reached the mainstream. Most recently, the revelation the dossier, which reported the president's proclivity for tinkling prostitutes, wasn't an accident. Turns out it was funded by Madam Pantsuit and her flying trench monkeys at the DNC. Allegedly. Though I should note, this post is one of opinion. A medium of which you all should be familiar. As you regularly mistake narratives for actual news.

Here's my biggest bugaboo about your slavish devotion to the Russian narrative: you've done nothing but project your own scandals onto the president. Am I surprised? Of course not. Your obsession with Putin's gluteus maximus is but the latest example of bait and switch. You line up Christian bakers for the Gaystapo's firing squad while screaming "TOLERANCE." You allege caring about the rights of women while pushing women aside for transgenders. You claim anyone who's against LGBT rights is a hateful bigot, while putting a gay-hating, suicide-vested Mohammad on a pedestal. Let's not also forget how rabid feminists have foamed at the mouth over patriarchy and rape culture. While liberal Hollywood embodies both.

So that's who you are.

My point is, when it comes to tenets, rights, general principles or in this case "scandals," the key to unraveling your mystery is as simple as the insults you lob.

You've been crying "TRUMP IS A RUSSIAN SPY!" since Trump shot Hillary off her DNC-funded broom with nothing but a pea-shooter. It's a narrative that's been beaten by political hacks all the way down to Jimmy Kimmel. Political Hack Junior. Who likely derives his talking points from faxes sent by pajama-clad DNC trollops. We've not been able to turn on a television or run YouTube without seeing some asinine claim Trump is banging Putin. In fact, remember when Colbert called Trump Putin's "cock holster"? Here:

Turns out Trump isn't the Russian "cock holster" (Colbert's words). Turns out... you are.

Last week we learned, though not from a lot of mainstream outlets, that the Russians actively worked on acquiring uranium. Under Obama and Hillary Clinton. As that news was kind of breaking (it should've exploded on the scene), your media cohorts successfully distracted the public, who value patriotism, over a phone call.

A clever slight of hand, to be sure. Simple. Emotional. Completely devoid of actual substance, but full of funny hats. I commend you for lowering the American populace into such an asinine scandal.

But the revelation your gal pal Hillary, who lost to history's second worst presidential candidate, financially backing a dossier alleging Trump enjoys whore urine? Coming a week after it was revealed Hillary maybe, kind of, sort of took money from Russia for access to Uranium?

Consider yourselves exposed.

Looks like Donald Trump hasn't engaged Russia in salacious political foreplay. Nor has his son. Despite, as already stated, every DNC lackey screaming it for nearly a year. No, the real Russian whores are Obama. Hillary. The entire DNC, perhaps. Drones like you who are more sympathetic with the once Soviet nation than with the American Republic. A country which dually elected a former reality television star over a seasoned political witch. Pretty sure she keeps her potion ingredients lodged under her facial skin flaps. Yes, that's an ageist attack.

As with Weinstein, now whenever the DNC crows about Russian election interference somehow favoring Trump, you'll have as much credibility as Debbie Wasserman Schultz whining about bad IT. Oh, yeah, that's another scurrilous scandal y'all have dusted under an Islamic prayer mat. For another time.

So take a bow, Democrats. Everyone can now see how you tremble for Russia.

Written by Courtney Kirchoff