Loathe though I am to use an axiom to head a post, this one calls for it: truth is stranger than fiction. Who would've pegged a blonde actress, who is most famous for having an unrequited crush for not-yet Superman, as a ranking member of a sex cult? Whoever you are, you win the pool today.

Allison Mack, who used to be best known for Smallville (talk about shedding the type casting) is being linked to Nxivm. A bizarre sex cult too tame for the likes of fictional softies like Christian Grey. Break out the blades, this is about to get slice and dicey.

From the Daily Mail:

A former star of the hit series Smallville has been identified as a high-ranking member of a sex cult.

The group, called DOS, is reportedly a secret society for the highest ranking female members within the self-help group NXIVM.

I'll get to some of the salacious details of Nxivm in a second. But here's Mack's role in the creepy sexcapades:

DOS operates as a master-slave hierarchy, with Raniere at the top and Mack as his immediate subordinate. From there, Mack has several slaves of her own who are then ordered to recruit a group of slaves themselves, and it spreads down from there like a pyramid scheme.

Women in the group are allegedly kept on a 500- to 800-calorie a day diet because Raniere likes thin women and believes fat 'interferes' with his energy levels, Parlato claims.

Who wants their slave to have the body mass of a tape worm? From a strictly utilitarian perspective, how are slaves useful if they haven't the energy to do anything for you? How are they supposed to scrub your floors if they faint when wringing the mop? "Slave, stop fainting. Mistress needs you to clean the blood from last night's tattoo potluck. Get off the floor, you useless sack of bones. Mistress needs a massage. Really dig into the shoulders. Stop. Fainting!"

But if the cult king wants his women twiggy, for his weird bedroom fantasies... Maybe he's getting his bondage supplies on a discount? The smaller manacles run cheaper? Only the small sex swings are on clearance. You know how it is looking for pants in your size.

Folks, I'm just theorizing. Don't get literal here. It'll displease mistress.

Slaves must immediately answer their masters any time they text or call them, and if they do not recruit enough slaves of their own, they are beaten with a paddle on their buttocks.

Oh, there it is. The hanky panky spanking. Call me "Queen" or it gets the paddle on its pokey ass-bones.

I'll boil this down to its most basic naughty bits. Nxivm is an excuse to dominate and be dominated, sold under the guise of "this will empower you." When really, it's simply a group of sex perverts who want to hit people, then screw with their bodies and minds. I'll disinvite them from this year's Friends-giving. They'd only bring raw kale anyway.

Why do people join such cults? There's probably no simple answer, but my theory is they're obviously searching for meaning. It seems these cult members are looking for answers in the most bizarre places. In this situation, through struggle, turmoil, pain, and sexual exploitation. It makes them feel alive. When really, skydiving might be safer. Strolling through a vacant park with Lena Dunham. Sharing an elevator with Tess Holliday. There are other dangerous options out there, people.

I'd be interested to see how many of these cult members were raised in a cushy lifestyle and never experienced actual struggle...

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