Amy Schumer is the universe's answer to something, I'm just not sure what. Perhaps it's as simple as our love to hate her. Because every time Amy opens her blubbering clap trap, I find myself looking heavenward and thanking the blue-pitted feminist goddesses for Amy's ability to reach new levels of self-pitying destruction.

Ms. Amy's newest bitchfest is complaining about Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock making more money than her. Not because Dave Chappelle is funnier than she is. Not because Dave Chappelle is more original than she is. No, Amy believes Dave Chappelle earns more cash (and laughs) because Dave has a swinging John Thomas betwixt his legs.

The 36-year-old Trainwreck comic struck a blow for income equality by insisting on a pay hike upon learning her show The Leather Special was to be purchased for a lower fee by the subscription service.

By way of contrast, comedy superstars Chris, 52, and Dave were earning a whopping $20 million for their work, though they had also signed multiple special deals.

See, already we're dealing with different scenarios. Chappelle signed on for three specials, not one. He also has age and experience on Amy. Also, and I know I've already stated this: Dave Chappelle is funny. Amy Schumer is as funny as a herpes outbreak. While riding the Matterhorn at Disneyland. Then having to explain it to your fiancé, who thinks you're a virgin.

Another point of contrast is the fact Amy only started performing in the 2000s, while Chapelle has been working since the 1990s and Rock the 1980s.

Apples vs. oranges. Or more accurately, crack whores vs. Victoria Secret's Angels. A less gender-specific analogy for people who'll accuse me of "sexism": stale corn nuts which have fallen between movie theatre seats to grow mold vs. butter pecan cookies served fresh by a grandmother who isn't Hillary Clinton. We could go on but why?

Angry feminists like Amy use their "femininity" as a weapon when merit has failed them. Netflix (which changed its entire rating system after "The Leather Special" burned in ratings hell) shelling out fat stacks to Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle has nothing to do with gender, and everything to do with what the audience wants to see. Few people want to hear Amy Schumer talk about her dirty p*ssy. That's not sexism, it's the market making choices. Wise choices.

If Amy wants to rake in more than 11 million smackers for a comedy special, perhaps she should spend more time creating original comedy which appeals to a wider audience, and less time talking about being a dirty hoe who steals jokes.

Reminder: "The Leather Special" is only funnier than that one time you took a bat to the ball sack.

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