California is a wacky place. Giving people straws is problematic. They approach dancing in public similar to the preacher guy in Footloose. Spreading AIDS like Johnny Appleseed, on the other hand, is totes cool. A wacky place, indeed.

Now in California, apparently there's a chance your coffee can give you cancer. At least according to this judge.

A Los Angeles judge has determined that coffee companies must carry an ominous cancer warning label because of a chemical produced in the roasting process.

Superior Court Judge Elihu Berle said Wednesday that Starbucks and other companies failed to show that benefits from drinking coffee outweighed any risks.

The Council for Education and Research on Toxics, a nonprofit group, sued Starbucks and 90 other companies under a state law that requires warnings on a wide range of chemicals that can cause cancer. One is acrylamide, a carcinogen present in coffee.

So, there's a downside to drinking coffee. As such, Starbucks ought to cover their cups in disclaimers. I guess we should also require a "glass is sharp" sticker on every window. A "fork + hole = bad" sticker on every power outlet. While we're at it, let's have planes constantly fly over every town with a banner, warning of the dangers of staring at the sun.

If you'll allow me to bite off of a famous Dennis Leary bit, Starbucks can introduce a new dark roast called Tumors. Put a skull and crossbones on the cup. If it's going to make 90% of the people I have to deal with more tolerable, I'll take a venti black.

It seems like if there's a party to be had, California is going to poop it. People know smoking is bad. They pave their lungs anyway. It's common knowledge binging on booze has consequences. Frat boys still flood their livers with Captain Morgan's. No nanny-state warning sticker is going to make a difference.

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