There must be a nationwide competition for who can be the most hated state. It's the only way to explain California's recent efforts to move itself so far left, its destruction won't require a massive earthquake. Its oppressed residents, fed up with high taxes and fascist laws (like jailing servers for offering customers plastic straws), will stomp in unison to a Beyonce song. Forcing any land mass west of the San Andreas to crack and descend into the Pacific Ocean.

California is now targeting the black elixir of coffee, hoping to label it as cancerous as a smoking fag (that's British slang for "cigarette." I wanted to be culturally inclusive).

To be clear, it's not the entire cup of coffee which is as cancerous as BuzzFeed. The dispute is about the coffee process and the presence of acrylamide, a by-product of the coffee process:

A judge in California will soon decide whether coffee should carry warnings stating that it contains chemicals known to the state to cause cancer.

At the center of the dispute is acrylamide, a carcinogen found in cooked foods such as French fries that is also a natural byproduct of the coffee roasting process. The coffee industry has acknowledged the presence of the chemical but asserts it is at harmless levels and is outweighed by benefits from drinking coffee.

I admit I'm torn, as I'm also a worshipper of the miraculous black potion. One corner of my kitchen is but a shrine to coffee, an alter I pray before each day. Dearest coffee, how ye hath blessed my life with positivity, transforming my dark soul into a glowing specter of hope.

Naturally I'd like my coffee to be as pure as the dulcet cries of a newborn babe. However, this is California. Where innocence is an endangered species, spotted less often than the Sasquatch. Pardon me if I'm suspicious of California's intentions to label coffee as cancerous. Seems California could be prowling toward a greater design, like levying a tax fine on coffee as it does cigarettes, if coffee sellers do not obey what a California judge decrees.

It's fine if you want to label me a paranoid freak who should switch to black tea. I already have black tea in my pantry, so back off. I'm also no longer a resident of California, but have coffee-addicted friends who are. I'm but a leader of a movement. But this is California, where you can be fined or jailed for misgendering someone, or offering a customer a plastic straw. It may be the land of sunshine, Hollywood and big tech. But those serving in California's bureaucracies are twice removed from reality. How else can you explain the multiple re-elections of Nancy Pelosi? Besides devil-worship.

What do you think? Am I being silly, or should California treat Big Coffee as it does Big Tabacco?

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