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Breaking NewsJune 12, 2020
CHAZ (Rhymes with SPAZ) Tries Farming and It Goes Exactly How You'd Expect
Here's the thing: I personally don't really have the bandwidth for the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone (CHAZ) right now. It's Friday, Chappelle dropped a new special, plus the government is finally letting us get our hair did again. Also, I feel like we've seen this movie with Occupy Wall Street (see CROWDER OCCUPIES WALLSTREET!! and CROWDER DEBATES OCCUPIERS!). Like most of our entertainment these days, it's just a crappy remake of the original. But I saw a photo that I just can't let go. It started when homeless people stole all their food.
The solution for this is obvious. Grow your own food. Which the Seattle chapter of MENSA is trying to do by ... dumping topsoil on a field and putting vegetable plants in it.
I hear an alarm going off ...
HOW IN THE BLUE HELL DO YOU GET TO BE AN ADULT AND NOT UNDERSTAND HOW PLANTS WORK?
Plants have to be — wait for it — PLANTED! IT SAYS SO IN THE NAME! You plant the plant in the ground, take care of it, and in a couple of months you have vegetables. There has to be at least one of these commies who has watched HGTV at some point in his or her life. It's almost easier to believe that CHAZ has been infiltrated by MAGAbros, who set up this "farm" just to make the people look stupid. Took a picture, tweeted it, and are actually back at the frat house crushing White Claws and enjoying the success of their trolling.
We don't have to send in the National Guard. Just leave these people to their own devices and they'll starve themselves out.
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