Is it a conspiracy theory if there's proof it's not? That's what I'm asking of the keyboard geniuses at Gizmodo, who used a headline to insult people questioning the cause of the Australian wildfires. Specifically, this headline: "It's Not Arson, You Absolute Fucking Morons." Subtle. Definitive.

There's a trick one can employ if one wants to convince others they know what they're talking about: just act like you know what you're talking about and maybe people won't question you. This works for the masses of actual fucking morons who fail to read three paragraphs into the same article insulting them, which admits that, sure, okay, maybe 24 arsonists have been charged and maybe 183 suspected arsonists have been arrested, but shut up.

Yet over the past week, a counter-narrative has emerged that no, it’s not climate change. It’s arsonists and nefarious green groups who have pushed to stop back burns and controlled fires that reduce fire risk. While 183 arrests have been made in connection with fires, only 24 people have actually been charged with arson.

Uh. Excuse my being an absolute fucking moron, but how is the above not the most absolute fucking moronic thing to be written in modern times? I know I'm more of a word person than a math person, but 183 people suspected of setting fires seems like an absolute fucking lot of people, and those dismissing such a number this early in the criminal justice process are the real absolute fucking morons.

As for the green group’s thing, that’s just trash as far as I can tell. As someone who had a tweet about the fires “doing numbers” this week, I can attest to hordes of accounts responding with some iteration of these two conspiracy theories or mashing them up to say it’s, in fact, environmentalists who did the arson (which is weird since I thought they made it so that nobody could light fires but OK whatever).

Kids, there's hope for you yet. If this genius can find some kind of employment at a website of some kind of repute, there's no reason you can't coast through high school and still land a job where reading is only required 33% of the time. Seems what we have here is a environmental cultist who can't see the burning forest for the trees just set ablaze by 24 people holding kerosene and lighters. See, Brian here has tweets, reactions to tweets, and probably a diet high in factory-made impossible foods. So you're just wrong, he's just right, and fuck you and the non-electric car you rode in on.

Never mind the arrests of they who make things burn. Never mind there are 183 possible suspects who got a little fire happy in an already arid part of the world. Never mind the left has a habit of committing crimes to push their agenda. Climate change is what we need to blame for these fires, and anyone who disagrees can shove the arsonists' lighters up their back holes.

The Gizmodo article continues all the way to its hyperventilating conclusion that the spread of misinformation is tragic, all while focusing on the real dangers of climate change being the culprit of these fires.

So allow me to make my own conclusion: there are plenty of absolute fucking morons in this world, and one of them wrote the Gizmodo article.

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