Welcome to the "So and so blasts their haters" rebuttal post: episode SCHUMER. If you're at all familiar with this website, and I mean just an iota of familiarity, you know we love Amy Schumer. Any time the "strong" hambeast strings together a cogent phrase (or not so cogent) we can't wait to share the news with all of you lovelies. Most recently I wrote about how Amy Schumer is slated to play the iconic plastic toy, Barbie in a live action movie. You can dress her hair, she'll undress everywhere. Well apparently our post, and posts which struck the same sardonic chord, have inspired Amy to "speak out" in attempts to "silence the haters." Pretty sure that's how HuffPo will title their coverage of Amy's latest woe. How did Amy Schumer "blast her critics" you're wondering? By posting a distant paparazi swimsuit shot with commentary, strangely lacking in commas. I suppose the photo is better than the nearly naked one from last year.

Trigger-warning: AMY SCHUMER FEELS SORRY FOR YOU.

Very very honored to be nominated for 2 Grammys and to be considered to play an important and evolving icon. Is it fat shaming if you know you're not fat and have zero shame in your game? I don't think so. I am strong and proud of how I live my life and say what I mean and fight for what I believe in and I have a blast doing it with the people I love. Where's the shame? It's not there. It's an illusion. When I look in the mirror I know who I am. Im a great friend, sister, daughter and girlfriend. I'm a badass comic headlining arenas all over the world and making tv and movies and writing books where I lay it all out there and I'm fearless like you can be. Thanks to everyone for the kind words and support and again my deepest sympathy goes out to the trolls who are in more pain than we will ever understand. I want to thank them for making it so evident that I am a great choice. It's that kind of response that let's you know something's wrong with our culture and we all need to work together to change it. Anyone who has ever been bullied or felt bad about yourself I am out there fighting for you, for us. And I want you to fight for yourself too! We need to laugh at the haters and sympathize with them. They can scream as loud as they want. We can't hear them because we are getting shit done. I am proud to lead by example. "I say if I'm beautiful, I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story. I will" #thegirlwiththelowerbacktattoo

A photo posted by @amyschumer on Dec 6, 2016 at 12:10pm PST

Lemme save you the trouble of having to read the entire post: we wouldn't mock Amy Schumer with titles like "SHEILD YOUR EYES" if Amy Schumer wasn't a liberal troll who made a career out of calling herself a slutty fatty McFatterson, while also trying to undermine our Second Amendment rights, insulting our intelligence, or flat out lecturing the rest of us about Hillary Clinton's sterling pro-feminist record. All of which she's done, while being unfunny. Here, a list:

• Pompous Amy Schumer Tries Shaming You into Voting Hillary
• Amy Schumer Goes on Anti-Trump Rant. Gets DROWNED OUT in Boos!
• Liberal Hypocrite Amy Schumer: 'Hating Hillary is Sexist...'
• Clueless Amy Schumer Joins Cousin Chuck to Push More Clueless Gun Control
• WTF? Amy Schumer Backs Out, Now Says Talk of Moving was a Joke?!
• Unfunny Amy Schumer Makes Another Anti-Gun Video. So Stupid it Hurts...

But since Amy has zero qualms about "putting herself out there" with both her pudgy nakedness, her proud slutness, or her "pro-feminist" rants, we at Louder with Crowder have just as many qualms for calling her out on her hypocritical dung pile of bovine feces. Behold, a photo of said slutness:

Pro-tip to any overly sensitive public figures who would rather not be mocked or ridiculed for said public figure status: Firstly, know your audience. Secondly, keep your thighs or otherwise not at all photogenic body wrapped up like a Christmas present. Be that with fabric, a skirt, or discarded potato sack. Recycling. Thirdly, don't make your career out of "I'm a fat slut!" then get all hurty when someone else points out you're a fat slut who is as qualified to play a version of a tall skinny doll as a large sea-dwelling mammal. Maybe even less so. Otherwise it's fair game, my lady. Man the harpoons.

Lastly, to Amy who called her critics "trolls." Refer back to the list above. Especially the stories where you mock anyone who isn't an abortion-loving liberal. Then remember how you trolled us when you said you'd flee the country if Trump won. If ever you're left wondering what a troll is, seek an un-cracked mirror.

But hey, nice attempt at trying to sound magnanimous. Keep trying, though. Practice makes... well. You know.

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