"I shot up the school because I swiped right on someone with a gun. But they didn't swipe right for me. Ergo I'm shooting all the people who pose with fish!" is the secret motive of all violent criminals who ever shot so much as a BB gun at rebellious milk jugs. At least according to Bumble, one of the too many dating apps plaguing modern society. The app, in effort to be even more despised by people who just want to mingle, is taking action against gun selfies.

In a statement titled "Bumble Bans Guns Across Platform" Bumble wrote:

In the past, when we’ve had an opportunity to make our platform safer, we’ve taken action, banning hate speech and inappropriate sexual content from the Bumble app.

As mass shootings continue to devastate communities across the country, it’s time to state unequivocally that gun violence is not in line with our values, nor do these weapons belong on Bumble.

From today on, we will begin the process of moderating all new and previously uploaded photos for the presence of guns.* Our terms and conditions will be updated to reflect this decision.

Bumble will also donate some of its profits made from sad, lonely people to "March for Our Lives." In case you were thinking of littering your phone with either this app or Tinder. So many creepy photos to choose from...

Let's go through this step by step:

Bumble is still, as far as I know, a privately owned businesses which can police its users and moderate its selfie policy however it deems fit. If Bumble thinks posing with a gun is too triggering for the left and wipe swipers, who am I to judge?

However, as stated in the opening paragraph, I've not come across a single motive of a shooter, mass or otherwise, who got trigger happy over a gun selfie. Terrible as selfies generally are (worse than AIDs), they're usually not woeful enough to cleave a man's fragile hold of sanity in two. So what Bumble is really doing is telling Second Amendment adherents to take their lovely boom sticks and shove them up their anal cavities. Along with their fantasies of happily ever after.

Like all "We're taking a stand against gun violence!" malarkey, what Bumble is doing is utterly useless. Banning gun selfies will do nothing but alienate law-abiding gun-owners from its platform. Which it's free to do. Bumble will not put a dent in "gun violence" by stopping Sammy Smith and Wesson from posing with his shotgun shirtless in his bathroom. Toilet seat still up. Classy.

Bumble will not prevent a mass shooting by banning Tiffany Titts and Triggers from posing with her .38 special and busting ta-tas. Duck-face optional.

But at least Bumble got a little moment in the spotlight.

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