Dear Chris Christie,

Let's get a few things cleared up before we get to the meat of this story. You're a spineless wimp. Like a fishing worm but without the utility. Though this post isn't about your arm in arm stroll with your bestie Preezy Obama, I will admit that since you took that famed jaunt on the boardwalk a week before the election, you left rather a sour taste in my mouth. Not just the initial bite, either. I'm talking the whole enchilada, the kind of enchilada that continues to be bad the next morning. And evening. And then the next morning again.

While I certainly don't mind people getting emotional when they encounter a star they've always admired, or even tear up when referencing meeting that star, I do take issue to the arresting of that emotion for issues that actually matter.

Here's the deal Chrissy-kins, though you get all weepy for your man-crush Bruce Springsteen (hey, we all have our idols, you're allowed this one), though you shed a couple of questionably timed tears for President Obama, you're dry-eyed when talking about snuffing babies in the womb.

Yep, that's the meat of this post. You're not pro-life. Stop saying you're pro-life.

Pro-life people never say stuff like this:

For future reference, people who are pro-life generally see unborn humans as human beings, entitled to the right to life. Unborn babies, like born people, are not to be punished for the sins of their parents. Why? Because this is not an episode of the Twilight Zone, that's why.

Imagine a courtroom, if you will. A man sits beside his attorney after being tried by a jury of his peers. His crime is rape. The jury files in. The chairperson hands the verdict to the judge. The criminal is found guilty. Rather than sentencing him for his crime, the judge calls the bailiff. He asks for the rapist's daughter.

She is dragged into the room, kicking and screaming. She is dragged by the bailiff. The bailiff is the girl's mother. The judge then commands the daughter be killed by dismemberment.

Chris Christie, you are the judge. Your reasoning? It was the mother's act of self-defense to kill her child for the rape of the father.

If that makes zero sense to you, then congratulations. You have reasoning skills. Pat yourself on the back.

It makes no justifiable sense to kill a person for the crime of their father. Regardless of where that person happens to be at the time (including in utero). Killing a baby in the womb is never self-defense. Ever.

Let's pretend, for a moment, the pregnancy threatens the life of the mother (a favorite of all favorite talking points of abortion-advocates, who seem to view even healthy pregnancies as diseases). I understand that this is a complicated situation, and that many people can justify an exception in this case. Okay? Okay. That doesn't change the fact that killing the baby so you may live is not self-defense. Let me give you an analogy to prove this specific point...

If you're holding two of your children from falling off a cliff, but only the weight of one can be supported, so you inevitably let one slip, that's not self-defense. It's a tragedy where all parties are victims.

Or, here's one you might find more relevant in your day to day, Mr. Christie. You've brought in a pink pastry box full of donuts. It's sitting on your desk. But you have a change of heart and decide, nah, better not. Health reasons. According to your own definition, abstaining from the second donut is "self-defense" for you have possibly saved your life. Those donuts would've waged war against your aorta. Nuclear war.

Of course this is merely an analogy. Nobody expects you to shun that second donut. Or fourth.

So we have a problem, don't we Chrissy-pants? You talk tough, you like us all to think you crack down on crime. You play up the "Tough New Jersey" schtick, but when it comes to babies? You'd just rather not fight for them. You caved into abortion lobbyists, you wrote a check to Planned Parenthood. Worse, you call their selective murder an act of "self-defense."

Look, obvious fat-shaming aside, you're just disgusting here. I know what you're really doing with this "abortion is self-defense in case of a rape" is actually playing both sides of the abortion argument. You want to use your focus-grouped phrasing to win blue New Hampshire, to show how "progressive" you are with the voters, while telling Republicans that you're pro-life in all other circumstances of a pregnancy. There's an adage for it. Having your cake and eating it too. In your case, twelve.

Well here's the big problem: it's life and death. Circumstances of a pregnancy will always change, but what results in an abortion is always the same: the death of an unborn child. Show me the difference in the abortion procedure between a fetus aborted for "choice," a fetus aborted for incest, a fetus aborted for rape.

Exactly. There isn't a difference. How someone is conceived doesn't change their humanity. One act of violence (rape) should not be answered with another (abortion). Rape cannot be erased. Rape cannot be solved by a "doctor," sometimes a man, inserting a curettage into a woman's cervix, her legs wide, to scrape her baby out of her.

Spot the difference? Right, I wrote it that way on purpose.

This is why you, Chris Christie, are a total prick. You're not just dishonest, you're not just undisciplined. You're not just a wimpy crybaby who was Born in the USA. You're a despicable human being for trying to justify the murder of an unborn child as "self-defense." Then try to pass yourself off as a harmless, cuddly Teddy Bear who should totally get the GOP nomination.

Side note: This is also why unprincipled Conservatives who supported you so passionately (like Ann Coulter) then jumped to Trump. I'm eagerly anticipating your eventual drop out from the presidential race. But Rubio or Cruz supporters, don't hold your breath for his votes going your way. Despite each candidate's individual flaws (all people have flaws), Christie supporters, who might buy the whole "abortion in the case of rape or incest is an act of self-defense") will not go to Rubio or Cruz, who have been unapologetically pro-life for all reasons across the board. Nope, those voters will go to Kasich or Trump.

And Bruce Springsteen? Puh-Lease. Anyone who buys his whole "BossMan" schtick is as as easily fooled as well, Christie-voters. He's just as much of a buttersoft bitch as you are.

Written by Courtney Kirchoff and Steven Crowder