Dear shrill harpies with unoriginal opinions and tired talking points,

Here's the short version: nobody likes you. It's not just because you screech. It's not just because you have stereotypically tragic hygiene. It's not just because you drive twenty year old Volvos with a rainbow peace sign sticker on the bumper. Okay, sure it's for some of those reasons. Especially the smelly one. But people never hate feminists solely because they're women.

Which means, "ladies," when people such at myself say we hate third wave, SJW feminists, we're not saying we hate all women. Not all women are feminists. No matter how much you chant it while inside your chalk pentagram.

Yet when I write an article about how third wave, SJW feminists are mildly preferable to Lucifer (the actual Lucifer, not John Boehner's version of Lucifer), some forked-tongued harpy will send me a note via Twitter or Facebook to ask me how I, as a woman, could say such disparaging things about women. Here's the thing, feminists, I can say disparaging things about feminists because feminists are disparaging. Logic. Google that crap. Not all women subscribe to the Ya-Ya Sisterhood of Man-Hating Androgyny. Your assumption that my well-deserved critique of feminism, as an attack on all women, serves my point. You feminists believe if a woman dare fall out of the feminist circle--or pentagram--she doesn't count as being a "real" woman.

Newsflash bitches, not all women are the same. Not all of us want to carry Hillary Clinton's women card. We know where it's been swiped. No thanks.

This doesn't mean, however, that people who think feminists are menstruating turds, are anti-women. We're just anti-feminist. Allow me to list the many reasons some women might despise you.

One, as already stated, you demand conformity to your coven. If a woman doesn't recite the chant of SJW feminism, she shall be cast out from the female moon circle. You'll even go as far as to cite some kind of "internal misogony" bull crap. Women who think for themselves and have rejected feminism? According to you, NOT REAL WOMEN.

Two, feminists promote unhealthy ideas and lifestyles, while branding them "empowering." My least favorite? Abortion. The intentional slaughter of your unborn child. For what purpose? Any purpose you like, honey buns. IT'S YOUR BODY. TAKE CONTROL! Except no. Sure, do whatever you want with your body. So long as it's just your body. But this notion that you're somehow empowered by destroying a life you put inside of you, through your own actions? Sorry, chicks. I vehemently disagree. There is nothing more selfish, evil and disgusting than killing a baby. Pick your reason.

Two point two: the body pride movement. Especially when it involves women embracing a horribly unhealthy body image. In this case, beluga whale-sized ones. There's nothing wrong with being proud of your body... if it's a body meant to be proud of. But anyone can be fat. Being fat isn't liberating. To tell women they should love themselves no matter their size? That's borderline mental abuse. If a woman is unhappy with how she looks, there's nothing wrong with her wanting to better herself. This doesn't just apply to women, either. Don't tell her she should love her body if she doesn't. It's almost like telling her to stay in a bad relationship. In this case with herself. If a woman is struggling with her health, she should actually struggle with it. As in FIX IT. She should be applauded for getting healthy, not for "blasting her haters" when she embraces her obesity (read OPINION: Time to Bring Back 'Shame." You Could All Use Some...).

Third reason I hate feminists? You're a bunch of weak, overly sensitive, pathetic ninnies. You can't take any kind of criticism. Even now you're probably retreating to your safe space. Methinks it's loaded with snacks. But rather than just not reading this post, you're going to call for my removal. You'll seek my banishment from the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. You'll claim I'm an internal misogynist. Here's the difference between us, my lovelies. I think you have the right to disagree and say whatever you want to me. But you do not support that same right. You cannot stand to read or listen to any opinion which doesn't fall in line with your own. You do not argue, you seek to silence. You are pathetic. You define weakness.

Which moves me to point numero quatro. You hate strength. You hate that a woman can succeed in this world without your shrill movement. You hate that women can be fit, healthy and strong. Worse, you hate that men love them for being fit, healthy and strong. You hate that women thrive despite your mythical patriarchy you're so desperate to believe in. Newsflash, babes: it's all in your addled brains. Lay off the blue hair dye. The only thing keeping you down, the only thing keeping you weak? Look in the mirror. If it breaks, try a pond. Still can't see it? Jump in the pond. You need a bath anyway.

Last point, I promise. I hate feminists for their latent hatred of men. Oh sure, you'll say you don't hate men, then casually point to the fictional rape culture. Accuse men of sexism when they "man spread," and make men check their "privilege" for the simple sin of being born with a Y-chromosome. Here's a hint: not hating men usually includes not punishing them for just being men.

A man who likes women. TRIGGERED!

Mostly, the reason I hate feminism? I celebrate the differences between men and women. I like that we're women. I like that men are men. I do not seek to emulate men. I do not want to be a man. I do not want to dress like one. I don't want to work like a man. I see nothing wrong in just being a woman and letting the men be men. But you feminists can't stand any differences between us. You seek to make us all the same. To punish masculinity, then mock women who like pink, princesses, or just want to stay at home and raise a family.

We're done with you shrill, SJW third wave feminists. We like being women. We like men being men. We'd like you to kindly shut up about it.

Written by Courtney Kirchoff