Dear She-Hags,

There's a disturbance in the force. Over the past two years, as I've worked alongside brave men and women who delight in calling out your parasitic rhetoric for the illogical word shart it is, I've found myself gravitating toward real feminism. I speak of the feminism y'all claim to embrace, as you abandon your work posts to protest... something. I've asked everyone what the #ADayWithoutAWoman charlatans are protesting, but no one actually knows. Even if I had access to an electron microscope I doubt I'd be able to find the grievance you narrative peddlers are selling. Methinks you're just skipping work for the feelings of ra-ra sisterhood solidarity of the traveling pussy hats. I hate you.

Which is why I've found myself gravitating back to the original aim of classical feminism: equality among the sexes. Thanks to your flighty, petty protesting of work, that fight has become increasingly difficult.

You see, your prissy little #ADayWithoutAWoman protest has all but confirmed that of which women have long tried escaping: negative stereotypes applied to women. Often applied by men who revel in their Master of the Universe Sandbox, thinking they're better than women at everything. Today you served these men sammiches as you delightfully nom on your appetizers of crow. Though let's be fair, today wasn't the first time such sentiments were confirmed. Last year, after all, "Caitlyn" Jenner was bestowed the Woman of the Year award. He's got a penis. I hate you.

But back to today. What's turned out to be a giant dud of a protest (as reported to me by spies in the field, and the glaring absence of protest photos online), has still loaned credence to the notion that women are flighty, irrational, emotionally-driven muffin tops, who nag for no reason. The evidence being I still can find no reasonable explanation as to WHAT you troglodytes are protesting! Because what you say you're striking against is as real as the Tooth Fairy offering advice on my investment portfolio.

Q: What is the goal of A Day Without a Woman?

A: The goal is to highlight the economic power and significance that women have in the US and global economies, while calling attention to the economic injustices women and gender nonconforming people continue to face.  We play an indispensable role in the daily functions of life in all of society, through paid & unpaid, seen & unseen labor.

Pro-tip, ladies: double-spacing between sentences has been incorrect and obsolete since the dawn of word processors, which eliminated mono-spaced fonts, and double-spacing practices. Secondly, did you seriously use ampersands in a paragraph? Gawd. Educate yourselves.

Secondly, honoring "gender nonconforming people" while claiming to bolster the rights of women is a slap in the face I can't keep taking. Transwomen are not real women. They're men gallivanting as ladies, thus appropriating what it means to be a real, biological woman, and supporting the erroneous notion that MEN CAN BE WOMEN TOO just by embracing their own delusion. Meanwhile, you claim the "patriarchy" is a bad thing. While you prop it up for the sake of the inclusivity feels. Thus basing your actions entirely on your emotions. I hate you.

I don't want to get lost in the weeds here, so lemme jump right to your idiotic points you claim to be striking (and how it makes all women look bad).

We must have the power to control our bodies and be free from gender norms, expectations and stereotypes. We must free ourselves and our society from the constant awarding of power, agency and resources disproportionately to masculinity, to the exclusion of others.

We already do, you dim-witted toadstools. She who doesn't know a female engineer, doctor, lawyer or scientist, cast the first pussy hat into the fire. Also, I know science is problematic for people of the left-leaning persuasion, but a baby's body isn't a woman's body. Facts are triggering, I get it. As to the boilerplate phrasing, "We must free ourselves and our society from the constant awarding of power, agency and resources to masculinity" if you could kindly point me in the direction of where, in the United States, such things are occurring, I would be much obliged. For everywhere I look in modern America and other first world nations, the "War on Women" is happening in two places: in the womb against unborn girls, and against conservative women (such as myself) who believe you have the intellectual capacity of a throw pillow. With less utility.

Every day I see men, not women, thrown under the progress bus simply for being men. Men, not women, are losing out on education. Boys, not girls, are being punished in schools for being and acting like boys. In fact, men, not women, are losing their jobs. And that pay gap myth you keep harping on about? It's as real as Santa Claus offering you dating advice.

In short, you have absolutely no grievance, based in reality, for which to protest. So rather than embrace all that classical feminists have done for you, instead of going to work (which, by the way, FEMINISTS WANTED TO DO) to earn your own money, to be your own agent, to provide for yourself, you've decided to protest imaginary issues.

We call that "flighty." One stereotype now confirmed by you flubbering twitweasels. I hate you.

Rather than look up facts for yourself, instead of verifying that no, the pay gap isn't real, and no, men aren't oppressing women, you simply believed a hashtag campaign led by a hateful Palestinian anti-Semite who longs for oppressive Sharia law in America, a murderer who tortured a gay man before offing him, and George Soros, a rich, white male billionaire.

That's why I brand you "irrational."

It took a conservative woman (and many conservative women who've voiced these same issues with you blubberous land whales), to point out the facts. I never thought I would become a standard-bearer for actual "feminism," nor did I ever think I'd have to call out other women for embracing all the stereotypes they claim to loathe. Yet here we are. I hate you.

Thanks for setting women back, you nags (yes, "nags" as you're complaining for no reason whatsoever). Now allow the real feminists to clean up your mess.

~Written by Courtney Kirchoff, a woman who worked while sissy-la-la-bedwetting women bitched for no reason.