Dear feminists who think the answer to everything is behaving like rabid shrews:

The myth of the gender pay gap has been busted more times than you've busted weight scales. In efforts to be thorough, a brief breakdown: the "gap" stems from an average between the full time salaries of men and women. Once experience, profession, hours worked, and other relevant data is factored in, the gap all but disappears. Much like my patience for grousing ladies who can't math.

Incessant crying about "equal pay" suggests one of three things:

1. You're too stupid to understand averages.
2. You know the pay gap isn't real, but grousing about it fools enough men into fighting this silliness along side you, or giving you their money (which is kind of genius).
3. You're terrible at your job, and blaming some myth is your meal ticket to better meals.

Again, the Gender Pay Gap is a myth. So if you genuinely believe men are making more for the "same work," rest assured. They're not.

For the purpose of this column, I'm focused on number three: you're terrible at your job. Because if you were good at your job, you wouldn't complain about this gender pay gap in hopes men will give you some of their money either directly, or by enlisting them to demand companies pay ladies more just because you say they should. For "equality." Lest you forget or didn't notice, I'm also a woman. Note that byline. I see the game you're playing.

There is no secret patriarchy meeting where men sit in leather armchairs discussing how to pay women less as they absentmindedly scratch their crotches. Sorry chickadees, but if you're not getting paid well, the simple answer is an unsettling one: it's not the pay gap, it's you, boo.

If your bank account is as full as your refrigerator's crisper, it could be for any of the following. Yes, another numbered list. Bitches love lists.

1. You're not actually worth what you think you're worth. "I think therefore I am" is lovely in theory, not a guidebook on how to leverage your uncanny ability to be an insufferable twit into a lucrative career.
2. Your proclivity to whine like a door hinge in desperate need of WD-40 translates into your worth ethic. Which is crappy.
3. Like the rest of your life, you've made bad choices in your profession. Social work, teaching pre-schoolers, or professional meat-protesting might be fulfilling, but it isn't filling your bank account.
4. You refuse to fight and stand up for yourself.

Let's go through this point by point.

One: A person is paid by how much that job is worth and how well they perform it. Simpler still: your job is worth what someone is willing to pay for it. For some reason this basic concept is lost on people who moan and groan from sun up to sun down. Could be a muddled mind due to consumption of soy and/or hormones. For you feminists, probably both. So if you're not getting paid a lot of money, it could be because you're not worth a lot of money. Despite what Maybeline is telling you. Pro-tip: work more than you watch TV.

Two: Working generally requires a sense of work ethic. Which last I checked, didn't include "An everlasting cryfest of all the ways my life isn't fair due mostly to a series of questionable life choices which may include tattooing cat whiskers on my face." If your solution to a problem is to complain, then I wouldn't pay you much either. Your complaints actually cost me time, energy and patience. So if you, the feminist, confronts her work problems with "But, but, but...men!" then I wouldn't give you a raise either. Work the problem like a competent adult. Solve it on your own. Prove your value to your company by DOING SOMETHING.

Three: Plenty of ladies have already figured out how to make a pretty penny. Let's note not all women are complaining about the "pay gap." Could be because some of us are too busy stacking our gold coins like little princess castles, while you cry into recycled tissues. So if lots of us chicas are doing well, and you aren't, that suggests there's no such mythical force keeping ladies down. Maybe getting the lifestyle you want means you need to get a better paying job. See points above for tips.

Last point, which is the least likely based on what I've seen from feminists: that you are competent, you don't complain, you're in a job which should pay well but doesn't. This would be the Unicorn Analogy. But lemme clue you in: sometimes you have to ask for more money. Not all employers will just throw more cash at you just because. You have to ask for it. This doesn't involve complaining, but by proving how you add value to the company, by listing all you do for the company, and how much you think those duties are worth. If you're good at your job, if you're actually difficult to replace, and you're respected by your employer(s), prepare for a raise. Yes, it is that simple. Toss the yoga pants, suit up, and go get some more money. See also: Jordan Peterson Just Nuked Feminism in Under 30 Minutes.

There is no pay gap. There is no reason to blame men for not getting paid well. Respectable men and women in business want the best people working for and with them. They do not want some broad who excuses her uncanny ability to suck the lifeforce out of every space she enters on "muh 77 cents on the dollar." Got it?

~ Written by Courtney Kirchoff