Dear Gay Hollywood: Actually, Your Portrayal of Lesbians is a Lie...

Dear Hollywood leftists trying to make everyone think that all lesbians are beautiful,

Stop lying. Most lesbians are not what you make them out to be. Beautiful, well-adjusted models in relationships with other beautiful well-adjusted models happens only on screen. Why dance around the topic with big fancy words or a long disclaimer lead in when I can come right out of my not gay closet and say the obvious? Bluntness: for more than just the lesbian hairdo.

As mentioned in my earlier column, there's a move in Hollywood to gay all the things. Hashtag campaigns have erected all over the Twitterverse, like #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend, while earlier there was a move to make Elsa of Disney's Frozen a lesbian. Probably not because she wears a dress so much as she's an ice queen. Just a guess.

With the LGBT community accounting for 3 percent of the population, but 14 percent of characters in film and TV, those of us with eyes and basic deductive reasoning skills know you're pushing an agenda. That is yay for gay, don't fear the queer, never nag the...

Oh snap, forgot something. TRIGGER-WARNING: super offensive words about gay stereotypes in media.

Look if you're going to gay all the things, there's nothing I can do to stop you. If you want to make a movie where it's taboo to be straight... it'll be a box office bomb, but it's your right to make the film. It is, after all, still a free-ish country. Hollywood is a business. Make as much gay as you want, I'll just vote with my dollar and very likely not watch the gayness. Which means my Kindle will be getting plenty of exercise. But, this being an open letter and all, I'm going to point out a number of things you may find "hateful."

The whole primped-up, gorgeous, lesbian porn-stars routine? You're fooling no one. In real life, they don't shave their armpits and they buy plaid shirts at Orvis. In bulk.

But, but, everyone in the movies is gorgeous! you're saying. True to a degree. My main peeve is the suspension of disbelief, a fictional principle of which you're undoubtedly familiar. That is, as an audience, we're willing to set aside what we know to be false, fantastical or unscientific in order to be entertained. But it has its limits. You'll lose credibility with an audience when you stretch our suspension like Tess Holiday stretches pants. Buttons will fly. Duck and seek cover.

Your presentation of lesbians as pinup models is patently false. Why? Simple: gorgeous women get men. Just that statement alone has sent the body-pride, fat feminists into a tizzy of Krispy Kreme proportions. HOW DARE YOU STATE SUCH THINGS! WHAT EVIDENCE DO YOU HAVE? That lesbians tend to land on the ugly side and pretty women tend to like men? I admit my evidence is purely anecdotal. Which is fancy-speak for personal observations. Wheras gay men do tend to be good-looking, gay women tend to be...

Other than that, perfectly lovely people. Well, besides the domestic violence problem, which I shall address below.

Real life lesbians do not the pretty make. Exceptions to the rule? That should always go without saying. Can we get back to the main thrust of this post please? Thanks.

So not only are you portraying lesbians as runway models, you're over-representing their prevalence. In fact lesbians number fewer than gay men. More women self-identify as bisexual than men do:

More specifically, 1.8 percent of men self-identify as gay and 0.4 percent as bisexual, and 1.5 percent of women self-identify as lesbian and 0.9 percent as bisexual.

Which means some of those bisexual women aren't quite yet ready to let go of the men. They still like their chances.

In the time it took you to read the above little factoid, one more button popped off a lesbian's plaid shirt. Or was ripped off by an abusive spouse. The principle's the same.

Another little tidbit about the lesbians, other than they're unattractive: they're deeply troubled women. Domestic violence in lesbian couples is sky high. Lesbian domestic violence rates are higher than in heterosexual couples. Which is never represented in films or TV. Save one episode of House. No, in Hollywood, enemy number one is the straight, white male. When really it should be the beluga-sized lesbian who's jealous of her girlfriend. For... pick your reason. Maybe for smiling at a man. Maybe she fits in her pants a little better. Maybe said pants aren't a tarp. Maybe for neglecting to comb her armpit hair.

Here's the deal, Hollywood. You portray the gorgeous, Stepford-like religious wives as adulterous, hypocritical shrews. You portray pro-military, all American men as closted gays just frustrated about their secret gayness (American Beauty anyone?). But you always show lesbian relationships as healthy. Loving. Kind. Nurturing. A retreat from the horrible violence of heterosexual men. In doing so, you've covered up the real abuses of lesbian relationships.

You're hiding lesbianism's dark secrets behind heteronormative ideals of female beauty. You're covering up violent, jealous tendencies of many (NOT ALL) lesbians behind female stereotypes of nurturing love. Your false portrayal of lesbianism is not only promoting an unrealistic lifestyle, it may be harming women dealing with domestic abuse in the real world.

But sure, I'll be demonized for calling lesbians ugly. The Gaystapo will seek my scalp. Meanwhile you're profiting by selling lesbianism for something it isn't: safe, healthy and beautiful. Not only to fulfill men's fantasies (men apparently like watching girl on girl action, if said girls are pretty), but to normalize specific behavioral patterns. Even though the behavior your depicting is far from "normal."

Written by Courtney Kirchoff and Steven Crowder