Dear dewey-eyed, shiny-faced high schoolers with visions of toga parties,

Don't go to college. No seriously, don't. Those essays college admissions want you to write about overcoming your greatest challenge? Don't write them. Those SATs and ACTs? Don't take them. All those hours your parents would spend filling out the FASFA form as you dream of what posters to plaster on your college dorm? Spare them. Think of college as an illicit drug and Just. Say. No. Also throw away that Justin Bieber poster. Set it on fire. College or no college, you should feel great shame.

General exception clause: if you intend to be a doctor, lawyer, or some kind of scientist... man does it suck to be you. You have to go to college. There's no getting around this massive problem of fat-feminist proportions.

Here's the obvious reason you should skip the four year degree: it's a giant waste of money and time. Especially if you're thinking of dabbling in:

• Gender studies
• Feminist theory
• Philosophy
• Anthropology
• Fine arts
• Liberal arts
• Music
• Physical fitness and parks recreation
• History
• Art history
• Communications
• Theatre/drama

Why? Because on the whole they're useless degrees. If you ever hope of paying off your massive student debt acquired in their earning, that is. If you want to be a couch-surfing sucktard, then please. Double up. Exceptions for every rule? Obviously. That should always go without saying, but thanks to the whining SJW crowd, I have to spell it out every time. Progress. Hey, you might love studying human behavior. But that feminist theory degree will score you no points as you judge theatre-goer's film choices at the local box office. Where you work.

Which moves me to my second point. After you graduate college with your gender studies major with a minor in the liberal arts (lemme guess, dreadlocks?) you'll be saddled with a massive debt. The average student loan debt is $28,000 per borrower. Which means some pay much higher than that. Turns out most employers aren't looking for someone whose focus in school was micro-agressions and how they're exemplified in Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing. What employers want are skilled workers with decent personalities, who aren't going to whine their way through the work day.

In other words, they're not looking for this:

Unfortunately, this person is not an outlier. Said behemoth has evolved into the stereotypical college student: entitled, shrill, demanding, woefully ignorant, lacking basic critical thinking skills. Wrapped up in a hideous package. Yes, I fat-shamed. But it's not my first time.

As you sit in your room, thinking about your future, spend some time delving deeper into it. Not the next four years, the next forty. Look, I get it. Prestige in America is kind of a big deal. And, full disclosure, I earned a degree in English with a minor in Art. But college didn't teach me how to write or how to draw. It merely assigned me tasks which I could've done on my own. I wrote mountains of essays, drew piles of still lifes. Which is why I can say, though I enjoyed my college years (over ten years ago before this nonsense took hold), I didn't really need to go to college. College doesn't teach creativity. It doesn't teach ambition. Such traits are up to you to master, and you alone.

Which moves me to point numero tres. Most valuable skills are actually self-taught or learned. Often at a trade school. The operative word there, kids, is "skill." You might enjoy that philosophy class in college. I took one myself. Existentialism. But have I ever once really applied it toward making money? No. And neither will you. You might think it's cool to know about Nietzsche's uber mensch. But that knowledge will not pay your rent.

It's tempting to think about the swanky parties where you may one day be swilling expensive wine and waxing on about whatever useless major you took. Think, instead, of that house you'd rather be living in. Or the travels you'd like to embark upon. In order to have those things? Money. You need to make it. Not give it to a professor. Who's never made it. Catching on?

Skills. Get them. Trade schools are far more valuable than earning a degree in Art History. No, they're probably not more valuable than a medical degree. But we're not talking about doctors, lawyers or chemical engineers here. We're talking about you people who think gender studies with an art history minor is a good decision. Stop it. A trade school is going to be much more practical. Think about it: of which has your family been in greater need, a plumber or someone who can tell the difference between Monet and Manet? Or whether Monet needs to check his cis-privilege?

Last point. College these days is nothing more than an expensive brain-washing apparatus, charging you thousands as they teach you to think less and feel more. Look no further than the SJWs at Mizzou. Or the chalk-frightened ninnymuggins of Emory. Even Harvard, yes THAT Harvard, has been infected with the SJW contagion.

Long term plans, kids. Focus on what you actually want from life. In ten years. In twenty. Start asking yourself "how do I want to live my life" and not "what do I think would be most fun for four years in college?" Both you and society will be better off for it.

~Written by Courtney Kirchoff (who did go to college but didn't really need to...)