Dear John 'Nice Guy' Kasich,

You are one giant, dishonest, poorly coiffed, insufferably smug phony. You unabashedly fancy yourself as the "friendly guy." The "reasonable guy." The likeable bloke. Or perhaps you prefer being called  "The Prince of Light and Hope" as you so humbly referred to yourself. Several times. On record. May I remind you that you did so unironically, while also naming your competition "Disciples of Darkness." Sure, you give out free hugs. But behind that self-satisfied, tight-lipped smile of yours...? You're a pompous ass who cares more about your own faulty ideals than the will of the people. Also, fire your barber. The "baby bird hatchling" look is flattering to precisely zero percent of population earth. Yourself included.

Here's the thing, Johnykins, you know the adage the "elephant in the room"? It's you. You're the giant, trifling elephant in the room. Allow me to explain. Nobody is faulting you for giving the presidency the old college try. We get it. Most powerful job in the world? Sounds pretty swell for the son of a mailman. Yeah, I'm bringing that up before you have the chance. It's not that you ran, it's not that you're wrong about so many of the issues, it's not even that you're a monstrosity of an ass sometimes. Heck, it's not even your baby-chick hair. It's that you're still in the race. You are vying for a brokered convention. Which would, conveniently for you, totally undermine the voters' decisions. And that's your only chance. But hey, who needs us voters?

See, for someone who claims to care about the people so much, you certainly don't seem to care about what they want. The people have decided, John. They don't want you. You have won just one state - your home state. Which was more than Rubio could do, sure, but there's no mathematical possibility of you winning the race. Legitimately. The tribe has spoken, it's time to turn in your torch. The island has tossed you. No more confetti.

Yet here you are (watch Ted Cruz: 'There's no good reason for Kasich to stay in the race'). And the douche-cherry on top? You keep saying, "I'm not going to take the low road to the highest office in the land." You declare this whilst fully recognizing the only way for you to secure the presidential spot is by systematically screwing the American voters.

You're a selfish ninnymuggin. Not in the healthy way, mind you, because it's okay to be a little selfish here and there. Like if you ever decided to splurge on a new hair cut. Treat yourself. No, your greed is seeping out. It's oozing out of every orifice. It's spilling onto the country. That's going to leave a stain. The worst part is that you're willing to drown the people with it. And for what? Well, so you can call yourself king of mailman mountain. Alas, you continue to maintain the illusion you're just a nice guy who had a mailman for a dad. After all, you imply, anyone who had a mailman for a dad must be a down-to-earth, all around amicable fellow. We'll not make obvious references to postal workers losing their crap. Well... not after that one.

Except "he's just a swell guy" is not what your colleagues have to say about you. John McCain said "he has a hair-trigger temper." Even your buddy Newt Gingrich muses that you bulldoze your way through others.

"I talked to him a lot about unlocking people rather than running them over," Mr. Gingrich recalled, adding of his counsel, "I think some of that actually stuck."

Nice guys don't feel the need to threaten lobbyists.

[W]e need you on the bus, and if you're not on the bus, we will run you over with the bus. And I'm not kidding.

...Or be demeaning to police officers.

"Have you ever been stopped by a police officer that's an idiot," Kasich asked the seated audience... "I had this idiot pull me over on 315. Listen to this story. He says to me, he says, uh, he says you passed this emergency vehicle on the side of the road and you didn't yield. He goes back to the car, comes back, gives me a ticket and says you must report to court..." Then Kasich stills himself and bellows, "He's an idiot!"

You are the idiot, John. Those emergency vehicles are typically on the way to SAVE PEOPLE, you jackass. Perhaps you were confusing the siren of an ambulance with an ice cream truck. For future reference, those sounds are not "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." They're sirens. Pull over. Dumbass.

You have no business being in the race. You're akin to the weird dad who inserts himself into his teenage daughter's conversation with her friends. To talk about kissing boys. With braces. And you offer the advice. Your presence is like your wispy hairstyle. Unwanted.

John-John, if you keep going with this limp-wristed race, you deserve to be the butt of all the jokes to come in your lifetime. Be real here, man, we've been kind to you. Dad jokes included. Even the one about going postal. It was a cheap shot, sure, but an easy one. It had to be done, and I'll make no apologies for it.

There you are, claiming to be the anti-Trump candidate, citing the Bible as a means to justify the likes of Medicaid (read Dear Liberal 'Christians': No, it's Not 'Christian' for the Government to Redistribute My Money). Which is ironic, not because you both have bad hair, but because you're splitting the anti-Trump vote. Maybe no one told you. More likely? You don't care.

I don't know if you're conniving or just plain moronic. Perhaps several layers of both. You claim the moral high ground by chastising your competitors for arguing with each other. Yet it's you who's sounding off with "screw you, America" with this presidential run. You're the one who desires to sidestep the systems of checks and balances and the entire history of our electoral process. Also, you look like a baby seagull caught in the BP oil spill. Only soap doesn't cure you.

Sure, people can change. But you aren't changing, and you aren't being transparent about your intentions. If you want to screw the American people, fine. At least say so. Buy us some dinner first, at least. Don't do it under the ruse of claiming to be "the Uniter." Though if you look at the polls, in the most divided Republican primary in modern history, people unilaterally agree that you're a douche of disproportionate magnitude.

Republicans nation-wide and formed a line to vote you off the island. Trump supporters, Cruz supporters, we all despise you. So thank you, John Kasich. In an ironic twist of fate, you have fulfilled your destiny as the great "Uniter."

With your douchiness.