Dear bleeding heart ninnymuggins crying over a dead ape,

I don't care about the dead gorilla.

I know, I know, I can already hear the gasps. How could I be so heartless? Animals are so innocent and pure. Untarnished by the evils that make man human. They don't judge. They don't "hate." They don't care if a tranny pees next to them. So they should be protected at all costs. Or something. Right? I mean, there's something there, right?

Still don't care. For many reasons. Sure, I'll get to the philosophical in a second. The whole crux of the argument regarding human life vs. animal life. Yes, all life is valuable and should never be ended indiscriminately blahblahblah. But let's get all of the politically correct offense out of the way beforehand, shall we?

Firstly, gorillas are the worst. Have you actually seen a gorilla up close? They are hideous. Almost as bad as a feminist. Almost. People only like gorillas because they're reminiscent of humans. So they have hands. Big deal. Unless that gorilla can make me a sandwich, he's of less use than the feminist, who I can at least mock about sandwiches. I would never mock a gorilla in such a manner. He can't help it. I'm not an animal.

You know who's even cuter and more human-like? The human child who was brutally dragged around by that non-sandwich-making gorilla. That is, seconds before someone shot said gorilla and ended the mess. Fortunately the child is alive. His life should be celebrated.

No, I don't just hate gorillas because they're ugly. Gorillas like to kill things - each other, us, they don't discriminate. So at least gorillas have ascribed to higher tolerance values. But I felt the same way about Cecil the beautiful, majestic lion. Who also would have happily killed humans if given the chance. The thing is, when it comes to people vs animals that can kill people... I tend to line up with the former. Call me a heartless bastard. But make me a sandwich as you do.

To be honest with you, I won't lose sleep over the dead gorilla. In fact I might sleep like a dead gorilla. No, the death of a gorilla doesn't keep me up at night. There are bigger issues at hand here. You know, like the atrocities being committed throughout the world on an hourly basis in the name of Islam. Or communism. Or authoritarianism. Or tribalism. Take your pick. One dead gorilla just doesn't rustle my jimmies as much as it once would have... Like say, when I was four.

Many of you are upset at the "needless" killing of an animal. "None of this would have happened if it weren't for that crappy mother," you say. Do the parents bear some responsibility? Of course they do. They probably could have done a better job watching their kid. It's one thing to lose a kid at the grocery store. But this? Pretty bad. I get it. All valid points. Still, accidents happen. Tragedies happen. And once a child's life is hanging in the balance? Time to go gorilla hunting.

"Oh but couldn't they have just shot the gorilla with a tranquilizer?!" No, see, because this is real life. And that's our recurring problem. Unlike in the movies, tranquilizers don't work immediately. Also, you just shot a gorilla. Who's still alive. That leaves an alive, pissed off gorilla with plenty of time in one hand and your kid in the other. Please, stop saying stupid things. Such stupid things.

Also, for every gorilla that's shot by a zoo in order to save a child's life, how many innocent people are killed by an Islamist? Better yet, how many babies got butchered the same day the gorilla got shot? Precisely how many tears did you shed for those people?

Right, none. So much for your generous, bleeding heart.

I know it doesn't sound nice. It's not exactly something you'd put in a children's book. But at least that kid will still be around to read it. Also, a gorilla ripping a toddler's face off would be way worse than your latest hashtag. One is considerably better than the other. Perspective.

Written by Steven Crowder and Courtney Kirchoff. Send them your hate-tweets and they'll be sure to not care.