Dear Leftist Sycophants,

You've made it no secret that Obama's your poster boy. Heck you even made that gay poster of Obama. Yeah, the one with the red, white and blue. Colors which y'all somehow made communist. And super gay. Obama embodies the culmination of your leftist rhetoric: pro-gay, pro-choice, anti-gun, pro-free-stuff-you-don't-deserve, the list goes on. By the time we finish rattling off all the reasons why Obama is leftism incarnate, we'll be old enough to blend in at Bernie Sanders' high school reunion.

It follows that the media, like you, loves Barack. Almost every time they say his name it's immediately preceded by a brown-nosing frenzy the likes of which haven't been seen since last years Oscars (which are totally racist, btw). There's no doubt that in the wake of Obama returning to Illinois to commemorate his campaign anniversary, there will be odes to his heroism.

CNN is no exception. In an OpEd beautifully wrapped to look like news, CNN highlights what a martyr Obama's been for planning to own up to his campaign's shortcomings... Which is decidedly easy to do when you're about to leave office. Too bad he didn't pull this honesty stunt at the State of the Union back in January, where it would have mattered. Because, today in 2016...

I can hear you already. "Don't be a pessimist, you racist jerk," you're saying, in your tolerant tones of sarcasm. Because President Obama plans to graciously deliver a humble speech looking back on how his campaign has stacked up against his promises of hope and change in 2007. Says CNN:

"Nine years later, that description of the country's governing environment remains largely intact, despite Obama's pledges in his subsequent campaign to move beyond the old ways of Washington."

Yeah, that tends to happen when all you do is vilify your opposition as evil rich guys and/or racists. As a side note, though, there are some new things about the way Washington operates. Remember when SCOTUS flamboyantly skipped all the boring, constitutional stuff to mandate gay marriage as a human right? Would that count as a shortcoming or an accomplishment? Curious minds want to know.

"Obama won't accept responsibility for the rancorous language that has infected the 2016 campaign trail -- including Donald Trump's vulgar descriptions of his Republican opponents this week. And White House aides have argued it is Republicans, not Obama, who have prevented meaningful legislative action for much of the past several years."

It's incredible how a statement beginning with "Obama won't accept responsibility" ends up deflecting any semblance of criticism away from Obama. I thought this piece was supposed to be about how Obama himself is going to selflessly bear the weight of his own mistakes... oh wait, it's just another speech for Obama to slam Republicans? He's a class act that Hussein. Because really, when has Obama ever NOT blamed his shortcomings on Republicans?

"His health care law brought the country's uninsured rate to record lows, though not nearly to the "universal health care" he insisted upon. His pledge to break the country from "tyranny of oil" has inched forward through investments in clean energy. And his promise to end the Iraq war materialized, though terrorist gains after U.S. combat troops left have forced Obama to send Special Forces back into the country."

The number of uninsured Americans did go down, that's true. That's what happens when you force Americans to buy it. Also premiums for anyone already paying for insurance skyrocketed, so there's that. The investing in clean air really worked out. Like when Obama laughed away $500 million of tax payer money to fund the solar company Solyndra, which went belly-up shortly after. But at least he considered bailing them out, because that's just how much of a nice guy he is. Oh and something definitely materialized in Iraq post-war.

It's name is ISIS.

Despite the fact that our nation is now more racially divided than ever, despite identity politics leading to a skyrocketing of sexism and discrimination the likes of which we haven't seen in years, despite even breaking the promises he made to the left: Obama will be remembered as a hero in the eyes of the media. The first black president, the guy who got to take credit for taking down Osama Bin Laden AND see gay marriage legalized across the board. Why? Because his intentions were good. Anything bad that happened is just because the Grand Old Geriatric, Outdated Party and a bunch of racist white guys who hate poor people.

Behold, your leftist messiah.

Think I'm wrong? Send your hate-tweets to @Scrowder and I'll be sure to not care.