Dear Lenny,

You're a real hoot. Of course, by that I mean that you're a mouth-breathing hypocrite. One who clearly prefers shamelessly victimizing yourself over honesty. Almost as much as you prefer dry-shampoo over showering.

Speaking of which, remember this unsolicited diatribe? It's the one where you, Lena Dunham, reached new levels of stupid. Not an easy task, but you gladly accepted the challenge. No doubt you dragged your gelatinous body out of bed that morning with a delighted smirk on your beaverish face. You thought to yourself, "I'm going to impart some crappy, useless knowledge on the world today." Because feminism. Also, your routine.

So you took to the internet to air your dirty laundry... Instead of dealing with your problems privately like any self-respecting adult. Again I say, your routine. Which is why I should've have seen it coming. But I was shielding my eyes from your Medusa-like form.

What exactly was on your stunted mind? Apologies. More specifically, how you hate them so much. Almost as much as you hate looking womanly. Almost. Fortunately for you, I shall not apologize for any of the insults leveled against you in this post. Consideration. It's a thing.

Here be your words:

Apologizing is a modern plague and I'd be willing to bet (though I have zero scientific research to back this up) that many women utter "I'm sorry" more on a given day than "Thank You" and "You're Welcome" combined.

I get it. There are plenty of issues plaguing modern women. No, not the fake wage gap. Not rape culture in Islam either. Certainly not how "feminism" has opened its bathroom doors to well-hung men in dresses. No, no, you're not tackling any of that. See, rather than focusing on real problems, you decided to tackle the issue of being "needlessly" sorry. If I were a shrink I might read into your compulsion to apologize for apologizing. Alas, I am not a shrink. Also, I'd rather your perpetually naked body steer clear of my couch.

But fine, you want to dismiss apologies. It's a free country after all. And yes, we're all very relieved you chose to write this in lieu of another episode of "Girls." Tit for tat, as it were. Still, you're wrong. Again, your routine.

I say sorry all day, which doesn't make sense considering I'm not a warlord, a drunk driver, or a pizza delivery guy speeding down 6th Avenue on a fixed gear bike scaring the shit out of pedestrians. I am a woman who is sometimes right, sometimes wrong but somehow always sorry.

Not to be "that" person, but you're also the woman who molested her sister. Lied about a fake rape. And continue to thrust your nightmarish nakedness on us. All of which you should be sorry for. Epically sorry. I'll be invoicing you for my psychatric care.

More to the point, nobody is forcing women to say sorry. There's no apology police: unless you're referring to SJWs like yourself. Sick of the "apology plague?" You can thank your activist comrades. They're the ones who demand the entire world not only feel sorry for them, but also apologize for everything. They want white men to apologize for being white men. Literally. And you? You want all men to feel guilty for rape even if they haven't raped anybody (Idiot Alert: Lena Dunham Says 'White Men Don't Understand Being Attacked').

Actually, if anybody should be apologizing, it's you. You can start with your aforementioned kid sister. You know, the one you molested.

The high horse on which you're gallivanting is absurd. Give it a break, Lena -- its back is no doubt collapsing. Also, you're embarrassing yourself. More than your face ever could. Reaching new levels of low by the minute.

You want to see the problem? I would advise you look in the mirror. Alas, they would only break. Should you buck my advice, at least draw some caution tape around the area, lest someone wish to cut themselves after seeing you naked.

But the solution here, Lena, if you really want to do away with apologies? Let free speech reign. No more accusations of sexism, racism, or transphobia whenever someone else has an opinion which differs from yours. Which of course means you have to stop demanding everyone apologize to you. If your show's ratings suck, no more chalking it up to sexism. People can only handle so much graphic gross. Yes, that's a body-shaming comment. Taking your advice, I shan't apologize for it.

Wow, you're right. Liberating!

Let everyone's reputation rest entirely on their ideas and abilities. No more forcing those who are successful to apologize for being good at what they do. Up to and including looking fabulous in a Princess Leia inspired gold bikini without being shamed by Jabba the Hut lookalikes. Such as yourself.

Stop shaming the successful even when said person happens to be a white male. It's not his fault he gags whenever he sees you. He shouldn't apologize for his upchuck reflexes. It's biology. It's science. No more apologizing for not finding she-cows like Tess Holliday attractive. No more apologizing for facts or statistics. And most importantly, no more apologizing to fat little bridge trolls like you.

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