Dear hipster-socialists with delusions of mediocrity,

Yes, you in the Che Guevara shirt. You guys are easy to spot,  the #FeelTheBern bumper sticker on the back of your Prius was the first giveaway. The one your parents bought you. You are the modern day socialist. The kids who insist that socialism works despite the warnings of Greece, Cuba, North Korea, China, Venezuela, Russia, India... Take your pick.

Blatant ignorance of history aside, you continue to vie for socialist (AKA "democratic socialist" ...AKA communist) principles. You disparage capitalism in order to do so. No hard feelings, that's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it's a solid strategy when done right. Identify opposing argument, point out the failures of said opponent, then proceed to vilify while simultaneously making a case for your "side." You skipped the first step. And the second step. A lot of steps were skipped.

The thing is, you've blended definitions here. You smugly point the finger at government backed corporatism to illustrate how capitalism doesn't work... But that's the wrong guy. You've mistaken big government for big business. You've managed to make it clear that you have an enemy, but you don't know who that enemy is. So that's terribly embarrassing for you.

Let's talk about the types of "capitalism" you inevitably bring up. Usually in an unwanted diatribe in your African studies class. Walmart is #1 on the neo-socialist's most hated. I believe the mantra goes: "Walmart doesn't pay its employees liveable wages, all Walmart workers live on welfare. Walmart is evil."

Let's assume, for the sake of your argument, that Walmart is the sleaziest, most vile company of them all. An argument not without reason if you've seen some of the outfits worn by its most loyal shoppers. Firstly, the policies you support created this monster. If the government would let people (corporations included) fail, the market would have killed off the likes of an allegedly "evil" Walmart long ago. Like Big Banks. They should have failed. Get it?

Let's say Walmart pays its workers an ungodly 12 cents an hour. Which, ironically, is comparable to how much workers are paid in socialist countries. If there were no welfare or food rationing, Walmart's employees would starve and die. Nobody would work for Walmart. Walmart would either go out of business or have to change its policy.

The reality, however, is that Walmart pays its full time worker almost $13 an hour on average. Walmart also employs more people than any other company in the US. Have you taken a look at your local Walmart cashiers lately? Lots of them are uneducated, unskilled, and unsightly. We're talking millions of people who would be jobless, homeless, and starving were it not for the "greedy" Walton family.

Walmart also supplies goods at considerably cheap prices. In other words, Walmart appeals to poor people on both sides of the equation. Look, I'm not going to bat for Walmart. Personally, I'm far from a fan. You won't catch me frequenting one if there's a Target in the area. I'll take my chances sharing a bathroom with a tranny.

The point here is that capitalism enables even the lowest class imaginable to survive. Not with the promise of handouts, but with the alternative possibility of death. You work or you starve.

Socialism enables everyone to survive temporarily. It ensures that you'll survive regardless of failure, because you'll unfairly benefit from the successes of your fellow man. You won't starve for now. Until the rations run out.

See what I'm getting at here? You hate capitalism undeservedly. We've already established what capitalism implies, which you rudely decided not to do, so now we can continue. The thing you hate is government overreach. It's painfully obvious in the other "capitalist" failures you list - the auto industry, healthcare, big oil and banking to name a few.

You ignore the fact that the corporations you despise have government ensured monopolies on the market via bailouts, subsidies, and favoring legislation that eliminates competition. The government has literally inserted its unwanted self into the market... Thereby voiding the very nature of the "free" market. You know, the whole point of capitalism?

Your solution to all of this? More government. You're fighting the thing you hate with the very same thing you hate. The irony is so rich, you'll get gout. You want minimum wage laws, unnecessary federal regulations, and more welfare. All things reminiscent of what birthed the corporate-corruption lovechild you hate. You gave birth to Damien and now you're trying to mate him with another Damien. Let me know how that pans out. See you at the back of the food rationing line.

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Article written by Kacie Burnett and Steven Crowder