Pope Francis... can I call you "Franky"? Kevin Spacey's character in House of Cards is "Francis" and since then the name has kind of lost the holy appeal for me. Sorry, man. Anyway, I'll pretend you said yes and continue on. Oh, for people who are not Franky*, you should know Crowder isn't writing this. It's Courtney again, and I'm playing my Catholic card--it looks like the Virgin Mary with a crown of stars, if you're wondering.

Peace be with you...and with your spirit.

Now, Franky, I've got a bone to pick with you, and since you're not going to swing by mi casa for a retreat, I thought I'd pen this letter instead. See, we're living in dangerous times. The faith is under constant attack from the progressives of the world who see the Church as an obstacle to moral relativism, hedonism, and guilt-free baby butchery. Also man on man sex. And eating whatever they want and needing their bodies validated as beautiful, but that's not really your area... but then, neither is "climate change." Head fake.

To all non-Catholics, this open letter isn't going to swat away erroneous ideas of what Catholics believe or do not believe (if you're wondering why Catholics are against contraception, try Googling it). It's about Franky and areas he shouldn't wander without a GPS app on his iPhone.

See wading into "climate change" might be appropriate if everything else were buttoned up and stashed away in a tabernacle. But here in the United States, we have a government-funded organization that chops up babies and sells their parts. Ask Obama about it over dinner. Maybe you could weigh in on this one as you say something negative about capitalism. Capitalism is only evil when baby parts are for sale.

We're also having an issue with gay marriage. It's negatively affecting Americans who believe only one man and one woman should have wedding cakes. Bakers, photographers, and some county clerks are having a hell of a time navigating those murky government-spoiled religious liberty waters. The river is full of condoms and feathered boas, so best not be using it for baptisms. Speaking of condoms, did Obama tell you he's trying to mandate that Catholic hospitals and organizations provide birth control and abortion services? But by all means, make small talk about the weather instead.

Also, maybe you've heard of this, but the word on the street is a lot of women, boys and girls are being raped by Muslim extremist groups like ISIS, or the Afghan military Obama's buddy-buddies with. Kind of a problem. Address that one while you're addressing scandals of molestation in the priesthood while you're at it. Nobody should be raping anybody else. Amen? Amen.

Whew, that's quite a spectrum of subjects for you to cover as head of the church! How do you find the time?

Oh, wait...you're busy worrying about the weather and tackling "unfettered capitalism" (without citing examples) and saying that the United States should take in immigrants? Sorry, what sections of the catechism do those subjects fall under?

Here's the biggest issue with climate change: it's a hoax. Climates change all the time, nothing in this world is constant. Did God leave the earth and all its creatures in the care of mankind? Yes, He did. But He also asked that we fill the earth and subdue it (Genesis 1:28) and if I can be frank with you, Franky, it's a bit insulting to God's creation to think that mankind can affect the weather of the planet. Kind of a slap in God's face, and He ain't turning the other cheek on this one. A little New Testament humor for you.

Am I saying the earth isn't important? No, and I never will. The earth is our home. What I am saying is that rather than having people like Naomi Klien advise you on "climate change" that perhaps you stick to the issue of faith. Focus on humanity's morality storm, not the fake weather changes people are blaming on mankind. There's an Islamic takeover happening in Europe. America and western countries are slaughtering their unborn children. Men are cutting themselves in hopes of being women. Young children are being raped. Let those human tragedies fill your priority and prayer lists, and leave the climate change talks to people who know a thing or two about real science.

Also on that subject of science, it's funny that you, as Head of the Church, are embracing junk science. Not funny in the ha-ha way so much as the irony way. Remember Galileo? Right...

~Written by Courtney Kirchoff

*"Franky" for humorous purposes only...had to call that out for Catholics who have zero senses of humor.