Dear Ugly Men in Dresses,

There's always been something about you fellas that's rubbed me the wrong way. For a long time it was hard to put my un-manicured finger on it, because let's be honest, there's a long list of things wrong with y'all. The concealer painted on to cover your 5 o'clock shadows, the Adam's apples paired with a string of pearls, the mermaid dresses which inevitably reveal your man parts... so many visual train wrecks to choose from, one gets a bit overwhelmed. Also a little nauseous. Okay, a lot.

As I was penning a post last week about a 52 year old man who abandoned his wife and family to live as a six year old girl, the realization hit me like a box-full of free condoms. All transwomen have one common thread holding their fabulous dresses together. Each and every dude in Dior will tell you this: I feel like a woman. Which is odd, considering when a boy is born a boy, because his daddy's sperm was Y-chomosomed instead of X, he's awash in testosterone, the male hormone. He lives his entire life as a male, not one single second as a female.

Basics

So here's the diamond-studded question I'm putting to you guys: How can you possibly know what it feels like to be female? Once you've answered that question, please tell me what "feeling like a girl," means to you. I'm genuinely interested in your take. I ask this as someone who was conceived a girl, born a girl, lived my childhood as a girl, and have grown into a woman.

For those of you who are not aware, tis Courtney writing this post, not spandex-wearing Steven Crowder at Planet Fitness. I told him to take his white male privilege and shove it up the chimney with care.

Being born a girl gives me a lifetime of authority on what being a girl feels like. I cannot, though, change tact to lecture people about what it feels like to be a man. Because I'm not a man, despite what some third wave, SJW feminists might Tweet after some of the antifeminist articles I've written.

I was, and still consider myself to be, a "tomboy." These days such a girl might be called "transgendered" by her "forward-thinking" parents who want a faux cause to champion, something they can discuss over brandy and gluten-free crab cakes at their Kwanza party. Well when I was a young lass, what "tomboy" meant was my aversion to playing with dolls (boring), the resistance to wearing dresses (how can I possibly run with a dress?), my utter lack of interest in pink, and who I preferred to play with. Boys. But, and this is key to the princess tower, I was never a boy, never thought I was a boy, never wanted to be a boy, never claimed to know what it felt like to be a boy.

I love the internet

Did my preference for wearing black and white checkered leggings instead of a skirt make me less of a girl? Hey, I was a nineties kid, okay? The era style forgot. Did my preference for Tonka trucks instead of Barbies make me less of a girl? At lunch break, did playing soccer instead of gossiping around in circles make me less of a girl? Hint: these are rhetorical questions.

No, of course not. I'm a female and always shall be. To quote Lady Gaga, I was born this way.

But if we were to take a squinty look at the transwomen like Caitlyn Jenner and Stephoknee the six year old (ten points for spelling, Stephoknee), who both claim to "feel like a girl trapped in a man's body," being a girl is the urge to wear dresses, make up, high heels and a bra. Newsflash guys, lots of women find bras super uncomfortable. I also don't know of any woman who loves how high heels feel, either. Just saying.

This is totally how I'm running my next mile...

I'll make this as blunt as Stephoknee's bangs: transwomen think all it takes to be and feel like a woman is to embody female stereotypes. Big boobs, tight dresses, heavy make up, heels, binge-watching The Princess Bride, crying at the end of Love Actually when Colin Firth proposes in bad Portuguese. Gets me every time. Damn you, COLIN!

Sorry gents, women are not that simple. Which you would know if you actually felt like a woman. But hey, thanks for the stereotypical insult. Let me lob a couple of zingers your way, okay? Hillary Clinton, the robotic, pantsuit-wearing man-hater who's married to a serial rapist but is probably lesbian lovers with Huma? She's more feminine than you. Lena Dunham, the butch-hair cutted, eating-cake-on-a-toilet broad? She's more feminine than you. Lesbians with good or bad hair, with or without make up, who are either fat, or look like the hot women Hollywood is insisting all lesbians look like? They're more feminine than you. Because being a woman isn't just about the dresses. Maybe it's not Maybeline. No, I’m quite sure it’s biology.

Being a woman is a complicated and honorable thing. It is more than the desire to be beautiful. It's more than boobs. It's more than a tight dress. It's more than permed hair and nude pumps. It's more than having a good cry at a movie. It's more than getting flushed at the site of a strong, handsome man. It's even more than giving birth to children. You transgendered dudes will never and can never know what it feels like to be a girl.

Nailed it.

Being a girl isn't a feeling, it's not a mentality either. What you're doing, insisting you're a girl trapped in a man's body, is insulting to all women everywhere. You're simplifying us into caricatures. You're saying all it takes to be called "she" is to have a few "feminine" traits. You want the honor of womanhood bestowed upon you because you wear a bra? Well I say no. You're not women. You're men. Which, by the way, there's nothing wrong with either. Masculinity is phenomenal, we wouldn't be where we are today without men. The world needs both of us.

So take off the dress. Wipe off the lip-liner. Love yourself for who you actually are: men. Stop trying to embody life-size Barbie-doll stereotypes. Because you suck at it (read Transgender Violently Threatens Ben Shapiro for Calling Him..."Sir"!?). Leave being a girl to those of us who do it best: girls.

~Written by Courtney Kirchoff