Last Tuesday night, Iran lobbed "tens of missiles" at a US base in Iraq resulting in zero US casualties. This was news only because last Friday Donald Trump ordered an attack against Qasem Soleimani resulting in a decomposing body of one former terrorist. We'll just kind of ignore how missiles flitting about Middle Eastern skies is nearly as common as beach seagulls dropping deuces on the leather seats of your convertible you just had to show off. Still, whether one missile is launched or one plus ten missiles are launched, President Trump made a few things clear in his address to the nation: Iran better be careful in considering their next move against the United States, and those missiles thrown at our base were paid for by Obama.

Notable moments we should hone in on:

The missiles fired last night at us and our allies were paid for… by the last administration.

Rather than droning or Tomahawk firing upon enemies who pushed us around on the playground, Barack Obama threw milk money, amounting in billions of dollars, onto the basketball court and scampered away like a chump. Iran collected the milk money, amounting in billions of dollars, and bought some rockets. I realize I mixed some facts with my metaphor, but you get the idea.

We have a great military and we don't want to use it. But you should know, it's bigger, better, and I have a giant red button on my desk and you are just tempting me to push it. You have no idea how badly I want to push it. Go ahead, Iran. Do it. Make me push my bigger, better, more lethal button that will, frankly, send your puny country back centuries. I triple dog dare you.

I may have embellished that point slightly, but you tell me that wasn't the subtext of Trump's message to America/Iranians tasked with watching the news who'll write a TPS style-memo to their beloved leaders and Ayatollah.

In summary, tread lightly Iran. Trump doesn't want to go to war, but he will end one before it begins. America isn't ceding ground, so assess your options before firing off another fireworks display. Definitely weigh the pro / cons before taking actual action against the United States.

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