James Bond is suave masculinity, shaken not stirred. He is all the sexy without the crude perversion. He's strategically violent without being burdened by the real weight of PTSD. He's calm and calculating in a crisis. He's patriotic, loyal, and despite his seemingly unquenchable desire for ladies, abides by a kind of moral code. James Bond is both a useful tool for MI6 and a vehicle for male fantasy. And a little female fantasy, for those of us straight ladies who like a little edge to our men. For all of these reasons, James Bond is a timeless icon who will always be a smoking hot heterosexual man who leaves ashes in his steps, offering zero apologies.

For these crimes, James Bond must be destroyed.

Not all in one go, by the way. But slowly. Our "woke" culture anti-heroes wouldn't see James Bond simply prohibited from the box office. No, no, no. The left would see Bond dismantled bit by bit, seeking the ruin of all which makes him Bond: his straight masculinity. Hence the recent push to make James Bond anything but a straight man: a gay man, a woman, and according to Dominic West, a transgender woman.

Bond. Jennifer Bond. Is that a Walther PPK or are you just really happy to see me?

Why has James Bond found himself in the woke, leftist crosshairs of problematic hate? Surely you've noticed we're in the middle of a war against men. Specifically straight white men, but once the left has devoured and subdued heterosexual white men, they'll aim their sights elsewhere. For the sake of brevity, we'll stick to the left's hatred of heterosexual white men. Of which James Bond is a fictional, archetypal version.

A brief aside for people who may accuse me of racism for saying James Bond is a straight white man: James Bond is a straight white man. Though we can't dial up Ian Fleming for confirmation, we can still assume since Bond was "born" to a Scottish father and Swiss mother, the odds are in the pale skin favor. That and Fleming compared Bond's looks to a white singer and actor, Hoagy Carmichael. Which isn't to say Bond can't be played by someone as smoldering as Idris Elba. Just that Bond is probably white and it's not racist to say he can be played by a probably white guy.

But let's not get too distracted. Despite my peppering Daniel Craig gifs throughout this post because I'm a heterosexual woman with eyes and it's Christmastime.

Not sorry.

James Bond is cool and powerful because James Bond is a delightfully masculine man: confident, quick-thinking, and decisive. He's smart and calm -- demonstrating great control of his emotions. Which is, in 2018, the worst a man can be.

In 2018, masculinity is verboten. Men in 2018 aren't allowed to take control. Men in 2018 aren't allowed to find beautiful women, who are born women, attractive. Even if those beautiful women are also rather sly in their own ways. Men in 2018 aren't allowed to enjoy action via violence, they're supposed to explore their emotional side. Sometimes they're forced to be "soft." Men in 2018 aren't supposed to become more masculine, men in 2018 are expected to redefine what's masculine to fit their cushy, watered down, whiny ways. Watch: Bonobos Launches #EvolvetheDefinition to Redefine Masculinity.

So Bond, like much of our culture, must be tempered to fit what the "moral betters" of our society deem palatable: that is, the complete erosion of masculinity and the traits associated with it. If men in 2018 aren't allowed to be masculine, then a fictional representation of what they're not allowed to be should also be prohibited from masculinity.

Final side note: not once have I heard anyone suggest James Bond should be made into a moral icon. He isn't one, nor was he ever designed to be. He sleeps around, he drinks to excess, and at least in the movies (I've not read any novels, sorry), he often flouts orders to do what he thinks is right. James Bond is a fictional character meant to entertain by delighting the imagination, not as a road map to happiness, fulfillment or Jesus. He's a flawed character, he's not an allegorical Christ-figure. Fiction is meant first to entertain and in my estimation, James Bond will continue to do so into perpetuity, despite all the best efforts from a minority of weak men and man-hating feminists to wimpify him into something he isn't.

Because much to the left's chagrin, social engineering is a bust. Men like James Bond because they like what James Bond is. Women like James Bond because they like what James Bond is. James Bond has been around for generations because he, and how he exemplifies masculinity, is timeless. Because strong masculinity is timeless.

So if you don't like that James Bond is an unapologetic masculine man, a suggestion: don't see the movies. Head over to the incel chat forums and wallow in your pathetic ways.

~ Written by Courtney Kirchoff