Back in July, Canada released guidelines for having safe sex during the pandemic. I foolishly assumed it couldn't get worse. It was a government-issued document that included the word "glory hole." That was pretty rock-bottom. If you aren't familiar with said hole, you're gonna have to Google it on your own. Just make sure the kids are at school and your safe filter is ON.

2021 has brought us something that, in my opinion, makes the glory hole look like holding hands while sharing a milkshake: Fauci-ing. Yes, it's a reference to THAT Fauci. According to dating site Plenty of Fish, "Fauci-ing" is the hot new trend in dating. It's not a sexual thing, thank God. If anything, it's sex-repellent.

The term, and its definition, were coined by dating app Plenty of Fish: "Cutting off a relationship if you don't think that that other person is serious enough about social distancing [or] the pandemic."

Oh, it gets better. It's one thing to swipe left on anyone not masked up in their profile picture. But what if the person is only pretending to take corona seriously just to get into the sweatpants you haven't changed since fifteen days to flatten the curve? That has a name too.

They also warned singles to watch out for "maskerading," where a potential partner only pretends to care about wearing masks and COVID-19 for the sole purpose of dating you.

I'm morbidly curious what exactly a date looks like if you take the pandemic so seriously that not only do you reject anyone not as batshit crazy serious about science as you are, but you name your quirk after Anthony Fauci. I'm assuming leaving the house is out of the question. Does the guy Venmo you money to get dinner and you text each other? Is there a rendevous point at a park where you know there are two benches six feet apart? At what point does the Zoom sex come in? Only after there's confirmation that he's not (sigh) "maskerading" are proof of a recent COVID test and a fourteen-day quarantine requested. Then, and only then, do things get IRL.

Here's the thing. I hardly claim to be an Eric Straton or a Barney Stinson or whoever a less dated "player" is in pop culture. But if our first date is an inquisition on how devout I am in living my life based on the teachings of Anthony Fauci, you won't have to worry about me (sigh) "maskerading." There just won't be a date two.

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