Time for an early Christmas gift. Feminists, being the experts on healthy relationships that they are, compiled a first date questionnaire to help their peers screen potential boyfriends.

Seeing as the list is as unending as a feminist's paunch, we'll just give you the greatest hits. But do feel free to read the whole thing in your spare time. Possibly while sitting on the toilet. Chuckles will ensue.

What are your thoughts on sex work?

You may scratch your head at this one, but much like racism and misogynoir, being pro-sex worker is a necessary pillar of dismantling the patriarchy.

Yeah. Nothing says "empowered woman" like lowering yourself to the rank of receptacle for random men's peens.

Are you a supporter of the BDS movement?

BDS stands for “Boycott, Divest, Sanctions” — an effort to end international support for Israel’s oppression of Palestinians. I grew up with Jewish (Israeli and non-Israeli) friends and Palestinian friends. Before even understanding how power and oppression worked together, we understood the trivial hatred that colonized and put in constant danger the lives of Palestinians every single day.

Among other great hits:

Yep, and feminists are still oblivious as to why they never make it past the first date. Which they'll promptly end if you happen to have an ounce of testosterone in your body (see Cosmo Tells Women To 'Avoid Gun-owners' and Stick to Beta-Male Pansies).

Never mind if their prospective mate can protect and provide for them. Which, judging from feminists' waistlines, might cost a fortune in grocery bills. No, what really matters is your beau's stance on Israel-Palestine relations and women of the night.

Funnily enough, if a man applied such rigorous standards to a potential girlfriend, these pot-bellied warthogs would eat him alive. With a pound of chili-cheese fries and a Big Gulp on the side. Men are supposed to accept them, fat flaps and all. But feminists, on the other hand, are free to be more discriminating. If you want to be their lover, you gotta get with their friends... To fight the patriarchy.

God help the poor sap who dates one of these hags. I have a simple questionnaire of my own for men (and women) to ask on a first date. Question 1: do they consider themselves a feminist? Now you know whose number to crumple up and toss in the trash.

NOT SUBSCRIBED TO THE PODCAST? FIX THAT! IT’S COMPLETELY FREE ON BOTH ITUNES HERE AND SOUNDCLOUD HERE.