Dear Barack Hussein Obama:

Respectfully, you sir are both the discourteous denizen who deserts dog excrement to be stepped in, and the excrement itself. You may wonder how someone can embody both human and dung forms simultaneously, but then I wonder how a human being with such a deplorable (to borrow Hillary's expression) character could ever be president. Mysteries both.

No, I'm not going to apologize. Is it immature to compare you to feces? Maybe. You may poo-poo my comparison (last one), but I couldn't come up with anything other than "sh!thead" for what you did to Israel. I thought comparing you to solid waste which plunks from a dog's anus as rather a courtesy. Pond scum was a close backup, but the analogies wouldn't bend to my will as readily.

Your subversive hatred toward the nation of Israel has been a mystery to only the brainless halfwits whose souls were mistakenly placed in humans instead of puffy cheeked hamsters. Perhaps you spent eight years hiding your intense dislike for all things Jewry so you could continue cashing fat checks from your haughty Hollywood homies. Not "homies" because you're black, "homies" because alliteration. Ask Michelle, she'll clue you in. Now your eight year tenure as America's Greatest Mistake is coming to its sweet end, why pretend? End the diplomatic charade.

Rather than maintain appearances for the sake of America's greatest ally in the Middle East, rather than protect America's friend from the gutter-dwelling gangsters of the UN, instead of allowing the next administration to smoothly transition into international affairs, you visited your favorite manicurist. Drew your twiddling fingers from satin gloves. Offered your digits for a fine polishing. Then flipped both middle fingers to the Jewish state.

Was I surprised? No. For unlike your most fawning admirers, I am not a spinning-wheel bound gerbil, taking news from a self-serving drip bottle. For years I've witnessed your reluctance to string both "terrorism" and "Islam" into the same sentence. Even after the Paris terrorist attacks. Then Belgium. San Bernardino. I could go on, but why? You know what moves your frigid heart better than anyone. What pulls at your heart strings is not a small, successful first world democracy amidst the barbaric third world Islamic nations. No, no. What causes you to drop your pompous head in sadness is how an unapologetically Jewish state is outperforming its Islamic neighbors. Both economically and morally. Despite its Muslim neighbors (your pals) actively calling for its destruction.

You cannot bear to see success in any form, much less when that success has been... Jewish. Not when you, an Islamic sympathizer (allegedly?), believes the future does not belong to those who mock Muhammad.

You, Barack Obama, are a sad, pathetic, scrawny little man. That's more than a potshot against your affinity for denim worn better by matriarchs. I'm targeting your character. It is one thing to harbor a personal animosity toward Israel. It's one thing to personally believe the Jews are in the wrong. It is an entirely different notion to leverage the Presidency of the United States as a vessel for your seething hatred. That's crossing a line. A red line.

What you did to Israel, how you conspired to undermine the people of Israel, was personal. How can I assume otherwise? You stacked your cabinet with like-minded fiends who you knew would gladly follow your bidding. After eight long years of limply feigning friendship with America's ally, you subverted our country's position with Israel and made the UN Resolution -- a veritable shot to the face -- all about you.

Of course you made it personal. As the grinning poster boy for narcissism, how could you not? Israel may be the first American ally you have actively screwed, but it's not the first you've insulted or snubbed. Remember when you returned the bust of Winston Churchill to the United Kingdom? Even though the bust was a gift to the UNITED STATES. Not to Barack Obama. Didn't matter. You cannot separate yourself from anything. In the largely puff-filled mind of Barack Obama, the world isn't your oyster. You're the oyster, the world revolves around you. We should be so lucky to revel in your glowing brilliance. We should take two steps back to better admire your shimmering soul. Your glittering intellect.

Well good riddance, you festering pile of pulsating fecal zits. You are not America's pride, you're our embarrassment. Our downfall. Our one small step backward, one giant leap forward for narcissism. You didn't bring us hope or change. You didn't create a legacy worth protecting. You ushered in intolerance for people who don't think as you do. You embodied hatred for those who believed in a God who was not Muhammad. You actively made America, and by extension the world, less safe. You did all of this while touring the globe on America's generous dime, while enjoying the riches the office of the presidency allowed. An office you used to undermine America's ally. You did all of this knowingly, purposefully, with a smug countenance better displayed on a barroom dartboard.

May you enter the history books for exactly what you are: the first American President to undermine America at every possible opportunity. Out of spite. Out of pettiness. Out of an angry, massive ego.

Written by Courtney Kirchoff