It's Thursday, but Governor Kristi Noem is my woman crush Wednesday seven days a week. She delivered a press conference on Thursday discussing new pro-life legislation, some local political matters about the South Dakota attorney general, but ended today's show with a quick hit against mask mandates. The entire conference is worth watching if you're not in a part of the country experiencing rolling blackouts. Otherwise, I've time-stamped it below.

Gov. Noem Legislative Press Conference 2-18-2021youtu.be

Below is a comedic re-enactment of the above exchange. No reporters were (physically) harmed during this fake accounting.

Reporter: "Listen, you're against mask mandates. So will you also be against DOUBLE mask mandates?"

Gov. Noem: "Let me be clear about something. Just because I'm pro-life doesn't mean I'm anti-spanking. So whatever your mother did to you as a child, it wasn't enough. Here, allow me to make up for some missed opportunities. I'm not against masks if they're used properly. Used properly doesn't mean hung from your rear-view mirror, nor shoved in the bottom of your purse, only to be retrieved as you enter a restaurant only to take it off again once you're seated. If it's the right kind of mask and properly cared for, maybe you're better off. But it's not my role as governor to tell the people to put a face diaper over their only way of obtaining fresh air in order to 'stay safe.'"

Reporter: "Sure, but hear me out. What about TWO face diapers? The CDC now says two face diapers offer more coverage than just ONE messily face diaper."

Gov. Noem: "Earlier in the conference we talked about babies with Down syndrome, but not about babies used in place of soccer balls. What happened to you? Why are you this way? From what height did your mother drop you and how many times? Since you seem a little challenged, let me tell you a story. The CDC has sometimes bent to political pressure, and this double mask mandate thing is starting to feel like that. If you want to double mask up, I can't stop you. I doubt that'll help your intellect, but you do you, boo. What I'm saying is people can make their own choices and we shouldn't shame them for making a choice that doesn't include not one but two face masks. Okay, pumpkin?"

Reporter: "Okay so you're not going to mandate double masks?"

Gov. Noem: "Aw. Aren't you sweet. Bless your heart, darling."

Kristi Noem 2024. Make it go viral.

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