Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez wants you to know she cares, she has plans, she's, like, totally smart. But mostly she wants you to know she cares about the planet. As such, she's gifted us the Green New Deal. So I poured myself some coffee and slogged through the sludge so you didn't have to. Hint: the Green New Deal is all surface, no substance. Remind you of anyone? Related: Nancy Pelosi Throws Shade on Ocasio-Cortez's Green New Deal.

Oh, before we start, as I was working on this, apparently the FAQ about the Green New Deal, which is what I tried reading through, was removed from the Green New Deal website. The blowback was that swift.

If you want to read the full disaster of the FAQ yourself, go here. The 14 page Green New Deal is on NPR's website. It's just as stupid as the FAQ, which was moderately clearer.

Let's get to it, Power Rangers. By the way, this whole bill is a disaster. It eliminates huge swaths of the United States economy with nary a care. That's the biggest problem not numbered here specifically because, well... just look at the sophmoric take in response to AOC's sophmoric take.

1. Not citing sources:

92 percent of Democrats and 64 percent of Republicans support the Green New Deal

...even though Ocasio-Cortez just released it today, and all she really released was this FAQ, not the whole bill itself. Also, did you see what's absent from that statement? A source. It's a theme which runs throughout this piece. No sources.

2. Farting cows. Seriously, cow farts.

We set a goal to get to net-zero, rather than zero emissions, in 10 years because we aren’t sure that we’ll be able to fully get rid of farting cows and airplanes that fast, but we think we can ramp up renewable manufacturing and power production, retrofit every building in America, build the smart grid, overhaul transportation and agriculture, plant lots of trees and restore our ecosystem to get to net-zero.

She wants to get rid of planes and farting cows but isn't sure how to do it in ten years. Ten years, by the way, is, like the inability to cite sources, a theme. All of her plans will happen in ten years. She probably wants to make the 40 Under 4o list is my guess. She won't get there with the disaster that is this FAQ of her bill, but ten years of points for trying.

3. No nukes, they're mean!

Nope, the GND doesn't include nuclear power, in fact, AOC wants to decommission nuclear plants in ten or so years. Ten years is her magical number.

A Green New Deal is a massive investment in renewable energy production and would not include creating new nuclear plants. It’s unclear if we will be able to decommission every nuclear plant within 10 years...

Note that she's unclear if she can decommission nuke plants in her magical timeline of ten years, but she does want credit for at least wanting to decommission nuke plants in ten years.

I'm going out on a limb here: she's unclear about a lot of things. A lot.

4. No air travel!

Totally overhaul transportation by massively expanding electric vehicle manufacturing, build charging stations everywhere, build out highspeed rail at a scale where air travel stops becoming necessary, create affordable public transit available to all, with goal to replace every combustion-engine vehicle.

Won't that be nice? We'll all have Teslas and can take trains across the Atlantic Ocean. It's like that joke about the guy who's afraid of flying so he asks God to build a three-lane highway to Hawaii. Maybe that's where AOC got her idea. If what we call this is an idea. Bit of a stretch.

5. Carbon tax? Cap and Trade? Yes, but teeny, "tiny" ones so don't freak out!

So we’re not ruling a carbon tax out, but a carbon tax would be a tiny part of a Green New Deal in the face of the gigantic expansion of our productive economy and...

Basically yes there will be a carbon tax, but it's just tiny. If you expect AOC to define tiny, don't. But she does like the word "tiny" so she uses it again for cap and trade:

While cap and trade may be a tiny part of the larger Green New Deal plan to mobilize our economy, any cap and trade legislation will pale in comparison to the size of the mobilization...

See, it's tiny, so don't sweat it. Especially when the mobilization of the Green New Deal, and all which fuels the "GND" is MASSIVE.

6. The mobilization is massive you guys. Like, really big and MASSIVE! 

Massive federal investments and assistance to organizations and businesses participating in the green new deal and ensuring the public gets a return on that investment

This is massively expanding existing and building new industries at a rapid pace – growing our economy

A Green New Deal is a massive investment in renewable energy production and would not include creating new nuclear plants.

The Green New Deal is about creating the renewable energy economy through a massive investment in our society and economy.

This is a massive mobilization of all our resources into renewable energies.

The level of investment required is massive.

The speed of investment required will be massive.

Also, private companies are wary of making massive investments in unproven research and technologies;

Massively expand clean manufacturing (like solar panel factories, wind turbine factories, battery and storage manufacturing, energy efficient manufacturing components) and remove pollution and greenhouse gas emissions from manufacturing

Totally overhaul transportation by massively expanding electric vehicle manufacturing

Massive federal investments and assistance to organizations and businesses participating in the green new deal and ensuring the public gets a return on that investment

So is it massive?

13 mentions of massive. If only we could use the word to describe her intelligence.

Note to AOC: get a thesaurus. My computer has a dictionary app. Comes with one. Use it, sweet cheeks.

No surprise that anything government does is MASSIVE but it's never a MASSIVE success. Government initiatives like this end up being a MASSIVE waste of money, a MASSIVE f*ck up, and I'd say a MASSIVE step in the wrong direction.

7. Don't worry about paying for it you guys, we'll find the money! We always find money! American has, like, SOOOOO much money!

The same way we paid for the New Deal, the 2008 bank bailout and extended quantitative easing programs. The same way we paid for World War II and all our current wars. The Federal Reserve can extend credit to power these projects and investments and new public banks can be created to extend credit.

...so the question isn’t how will we pay for it, but what will we do with our new shared prosperity.

The government will pay for it. Taxpayers will pay for it. That means you, the person reading this post right now, will pay for it. But if I had to bet, I'd guess you already knew AOC wanted you to foot the bill for this shitty bill.

But don't worry, you guys, because once the government pays for it, we'll all be so rich, we won't know what to do with all our new shared prosperity! My bet is we'll all snack on our beloved pets, but at least we won't use gasoline in our cars!

8. Eliminating huge sections of the US economy, but... union jobs for all! Rejoice, slackers!

• Ensure that all GND jobs are union jobs that pay prevailing wages and hire local
• Guarantee a job with family-sustaining wages
• Protect right of all workers to unionize and organize
• Strengthen and enforce labor, workplace health and safety

YES WE CAN just make wishful statements and make them come true. If you really believe in something, if you clench your eyes and click your heels three times, maybe the Wizard of Oz will give you a brain!

The plan would also call for the elimination of the current energy sector of our economy. But who cares when we can all sustain ourselves on hopes and dreams.

In MASSIVE Summary:

AOC wrote this sucker, possibly from her iPad while watching The Real Housewives of whatever city they're in now. Our researcher described the writing style of this FAQ thusly: It reads more like if you transcribed a podcast or whatever. Long rambling sentences in conversational diction.

This GND is all goals, no plans on how any of it will be executed other than "the government will do all of it." AOC also thinks it'll all happen in ten years. Normally I cringe at vague antecedents, but "it" and "all" here is vague on purpose. Just replace "it" and "all" with Cortez's most hopeful dreams.

The GND eliminates huge sectors of the United States economy. With the idea "green" something or other will replace those industries.

The government can't build a wall in ten years. The Post Office still can't find your package. DMV can't take a photo for your license in under four hours. But the same kind of government lackeys who run the aforementioned institutions are somehow going to make the country completely green in ten years, and also airplane free.

How? With massive mobilization, delusion, and a young woman some New Yorkers thought was bright enough to rep them. Well done, guys. Related: Dear Ocasio-Cortez: It's Not Because You're a Woman of Color. It's Because You're an Idiot.

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