Dude walks into a courtroom after sexing up a horse. The judge says, "why the long face?" That's as good a way as any to describe what happened in Massachusetts. Proving that crime is in fact out of control. Because the horse lover is back out on the streets.

Our story begins with police on the lookout for a man who had sex with a horse.

That man is 19-year-old Jackson Z. Kelley.

Kelley, who brings an exciting new definition to "Masshole," was bored one night. There was nothing good on TV. He wasn't working. He had two options. Go down to the corner pub, have a drink, and maybe play some darts. Or, go to a local stable and stick his dinkus in a horse. Kelly decided to go down to a local stable and stick his dinkus in a horse. Only as he climbed up a ladder so that he could reach the horse's -- erogenous zone -- and pulled his pants down, he forgot to check the security cameras. Hence the unfortunate photo police released to track this devient down.

You may find yourself wondering it seems pretty random. That a guy would just decide out of the blue to have sex with a horse. Turns out, according to the equestrian center owner, Kelly appeared to know his way around a horse.

"Someone, perhaps, in the business was savvy enough to get into the barn; be able to halter a horse, which to people who are a novice, was not the easiest task. [He] was able to put it on a cross-tie system, which secures the horse in a certain, particular area; and had the know-how to get grain or feed to keep it occupied."

Kelley turned himself in after. He attempted to unplug all of the security cameras. But he missed that one. He also left enough ... DNA evidence behind to be identified.

No word on if the horse was male or female. It doesn't matter, but I'm sure some of you were wondering.

Kelley was arraigned on charges of sexual contact with an animal, cruelty to animals, and breaking and entering with intent to commit a felony. The felony being sex with a horse. He was ordered to be held without bail. That would seem obvious since the guy had sex with a horse. But Wrentham District Court Judge Michelle Fentress released him on three conditions. One is that he goes for a mental evaluation. One is he wears a GPS device. And the last, and probably most important condition? Kelley agrees to stay away from stables and animals. At least until a September hearing.

Welcome to Joe Biden's America. Where your first amendment rights are just a suggestion, where your computer may or may not be killing you, and where sexually assaulting a horse gets you a slap on the wrist. As opposed to being kicked in the head by a horse. Some might call that cruel and unusual punishment. I'm okay with it.

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