We live in such privileged, pampered times. Which is a fabulous thing when your greatest conundrum is what fruitless Twitter battle you want to engage in this night: Marvel vs. DC, or Candy Corn vs. Every Other Halloween Treat. Happy hunting, time-blessed trolls. Alas, some liberal, feminist online rags like Huffington Post are leveraging our nerfball existence to dedicate an entire article on tampons. Specifically how neanderthal men don't understand the PLIGHT OF WOMEN who bleed.

The article is aptly titled: "Lots of Men Still Don't see Tampons as a Basic Right." It's as disastrous as it sounds.

As long as tampons and pads have existed, they’ve been treated – and priced – as luxury products. So, it hardly comes as a shock that a new survey has found that less than half of men think women have a right to affordable menstrual hygiene products.

Two sentences, two different points. We can argue how tampons should or shouldn't be taxed. I'm totally fine with that conversation, as a lady myself (note that byline). Maybe it's not fair for a governmental entity like a state bureaucracy to make extra bucks off women's natural reproductive cycle. What better way to enrage a bloated, chocolate devouring she-beast on the war path than for her to discover Uncle Sam is banking on her involuntary suffering. Fair conversation. Okay? Okay.

But to pivot this "Let's stop taxing tampons as luxury items" to "Men are ignorant pig demons" hardly seems sporting. Alas, that's the subtext of HuffPo's piece on TAMPONS ARE BASIC RIGHTS!

The YouGov report reflects how much work still needs to be done to convince men that tampons and pads aren’t a “luxury” item. While 67 percent of women oppose taxing menstrual hygiene products, only 43 percent of men feel the same way.

See, since some 60% of men don't understand the Monthly Curse, since these knuckle-dragging apes do not spend time considering all the ways in which menstruation wreaks (what used to be) silent havoc on a woman's fashion choices, mood, and general outlook on human existence, we must affect change! We have a new "crisis" in modern America. Tampons! They're BASIC YUMAN RIGHTS! GIMME OR ELSE!

While research hasn’t determined the precise number of women and girls who can’t afford tampons or pads in the U.S., surveys suggest it’s a widespread issue affecting various low-income communities.

Pause. So we don't actually know how many women are besieged with flowing misery sans cotton stoppage devices. But "surveys" suggest it's like Ebola ravaging the weak and the poor. If you think I'm exaggerating, watch the video HuffPo dropped below the headline of their desperate article. Try not to stab your own eyes out with a plastic picnic fork.

The YouGov report found that almost 40 percent of women surveyed have been in a situation more than once where they didn’t have a tampon or pad when they needed it.

And how many people have been surveyed about situations requiring floss and not having access to it? Headline: Broccoli Stuck Between Choppers Is Latest in Dental Health Crisis. Inconsiderate Men to Blame!

Look, read the full article at your own peril. It jumps around as often as your niece and nephew hopped up on Halloween candy, just before you give them back to your brother or sister who tormented you in childhood. Payback's a bitch.

But items which you need are not rights. We all need food. Water. Shelter. Sriracha sauce. Those aren't "rights" to be granted by government after throwing bloody pads at unsuspecting men. Soap is not a "basic right." Razors are not a "basic right." Clearly access to common sense isn't a basic right. If only we could dispense it for 25 cents in the bathrooms.

As for men not believing tampons aren't "luxury items" as a reason to spread "menstruation equality"? Ladies, take a knee. Men don't like talking about menstruation or the devices required for it, any more than ladies like hearing men talk about their self-pleasuring emissions. That's not sexism. It's called getting grossed out by bodily functions better left behind a curtain of mystery. We don't need to share every single little thing our bodies do naturally. It's why bathrooms, public or private, have doors. It's why we have tissues, so as not to blast our nasal fluids all about each other. Deodorant, so as not to share our sweaty pit aroma with innocent passersby.

We clear?

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