There is going to be a day where we wake up and the Jeffrey Epstein death doesn't get any weirder. There has to be (see Top 10 Hilarious Reactions to Jeffrey Epstein ‘Suicide’ News and Screaming Heard from Jeffrey Epstein’s Cell. This Gets Weirder and Weirder…). However, today is not that day. Because the autopsy report has leaked. Surprising to no one except certain Tumbler Pushers who hate fun, the circumstances around Jeffrey's "suicide" are questionable:

The Washington Post reported on Thursday, citing two anonymous people familiar with the findings, that the convicted sexual offender and alleged sex trafficker had multiple broken bones in his neck, including the hyoid bone, which is near the Adam’s apple. It’s possible those injuries could’ve been sustained from hanging — especially in older people, the Post noted — but experts told the paper the injuries were more common among people killed by strangulation.

Phew. I'm so glad I was sitting down for this news. Could've really injured myself.

Let's recap. Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his cell, suspected of killing himself. The day after powerful names he hooked up with teenagers started to leak. His lawyers had him taken off suicide watch. The guards who were supposed to be watching him fell asleep. There were screams from his jail cell. And now we have this.

Oh, and when the FBI raided his Pedophile Island, they were greeted to a painting of Bill Clinton in a blue dress and red high heels. Which I add just because... dafuq?

We're at a point where I would not be surprised to hear he faked his own death.

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