To the mindless, entitled, land-dwelling butterwhales who whine about "pre-existing conditions should be totes covered by insurance":

If you echo talking points, you're not an intellectual giant. You're nothing but a pea-brained parrot trained to say that which you believe sounds smart, or in the case of this article, "caring." Like "Insurance companies should cover pre-existing conditions." You might say it because such utterances make you seem like a kind-hearted softy, whose spirit animal is a stuffed bear with an embroidered rainbow on its chest. It's accurate because your insides are made of the same substance.

But sorry, Sir or Lady Care of the Feelings Realm. "Covering pre-existing" conditions isn't insurance. It has never been. It never will be. Your shit-posting on Twitter or the Facebook comments about how it's unfair, unfeeling, or un-American will not change reality. I'll copy/paste that sentence for future rants. It won't matter because reality is triggering to those who spend most of their pseudo-adult lives virtue signaling from metaphorical basements. But last night Jimmy Kimmel anointed himself a healthcare expert because he has feelings, and I couldn't resist the chance to slug a few rounds into the fluffy guts of cotton-headed dumbasses.

Insurance is purchased to cover things which may happen. As in the future. As in "I want to be insured in case my bungee cord has more elasticity than my spinal column. Or my personality." For people triggered over a comedic analogy: "I want insurance in case I live to be older than 45 and I get cancer." Please spare me the "but I got cancer and I'm younger than 45" comments. Let's shelve the obsession with being literal for a second. Also, nobody likes you.

Now, people who are insured (as in they pay for insurance for the "just in case" life happens scenarios) and get injured or sick -- their insurance will help defray their healthcare costs. Because they purchased insurance before getting injured or sick. I know this is triggering, but let's use another insurance example.

If you drive a car, you must legally have insurance. Just in case you are involved in -- or cause -- an accident.

I realize a lot of this seems basic. Alas, too many Hanes His and Her Way underwear stuffers take issue with the basics. Gotta preach to the lowest common denominator.

Say you're driving down the highway and, like a nosy dingus, you rubberneck. Surprise, you crash into a car in front of you. The expression should be "Keep your eyes on the road... you're currently occupying, you twit." If you do not have insurance, you cannot dial up AAA and say "Yo, I need insurance now, because, whoops, I crashed. But there was a traffic jam on the other side of the freeway and I needed to see whyyyyyy!" That's not insurance. That's "I completely suck at life and want you to cover my incompetence." Do try to keep up.

Here, another one. Your Pomapoo rescue dog needs to take a wee, so you leave your house while your stove is lit, cooking some pasta. Winston's gotta take a pee. #Multitasking. As you're begging your pup to drop a deuce, you smell the distinct odor of smoke and notice your house is aflame. Maybe fold your dish towel and hang it on the oven handle. Stop throwing it on the stove. No one is that busy and important to excuse wanton slobbishness. If your house is damaged or burned to the ground, you cannot call an insurance company and ask them to cover your charred abode. Unless you already had that house insured. To ask for insurance after your home is damaged isn't insurance. You're asking someone else to pay for your house just because. Also, good luck getting future houses insured with a history of treating them like a brisket.

Help, I need insurance. Why? Because my dick is on fire, that's why.

Right now there are keyboard warriors hate-typing that I'm a heartless, soulless, terrible person for daring to compare PEOPLE who have LIVES and FAMILIES to both crashed cars and burning houses. I know you're out there, and I don't care. I moisturize my face with your tears. I shall be eternally youthful.

Insurance companies are businesses which gamble when taking on a customer to insure. They're playing the odds of your chances of getting hurt or sick (then having to pay fat stacks when you, because they couldn't beat the odds). Which is why a Hollywood stuntwoman will likely have a higher insurance premium than an English Literature professor with a closet full of elbow-patched tweed. An insurance company assesses risk. An insurance company cannot be financially solvent if all its customers are the human equivalent of burning buildings (pre-existing conditions).

Help, I need insurance. Why? Because I poured gasoline on myself and lit up a cigarette, stop judging me.

In order for there to be a pool of money from which an insurance company can draw and payout, there need to be more customers paying into the pool than taking out. Admitting customers with pre-existing conditions automatically creates more people drawing from the pool than adding into it. It's simple math, bitches.

Compassion, feelings, but, but, but fairness and stuff! have no place in the discussion of insurance. Which won't actually stop mindless turds from trying to guilt trip me into caring about strangers who don't have insurance or cannot afford insurance. It is not the business of me or anyone else to fund someone else's life. Nor is it compassionate, just or moral to force me to fund you or anyone else. But the "I'm poor and can't afford insurance, pay for it or else you greedy, heathen" is another argument. And I'm already over 900 words here.

For now, just take solace in the knowledge that shouting "I WANT AN INSURANCE COMPANY TO COVER MY PRE-EXISTING CONDITION BECAUSE FAIRNESS AND SH!T" isn't insurance. No matter how passionately you all caps type or declare it.

~Written by Courtney Kirchoff