Let's start off with the standard issue disclaimers for people born without senses of humor. No, taxes are not "literally" rape. If you landed on this post with the sole intention of raging at me over a metaphor, this website isn't for you. Go mate with a lawnmower.

For the feminists whose wild eyes are twitching with triggering rage over using "rape" for anything other than a man touching or looking at a lady in ways a herd of land whales finds displeasing: go splash in a puddle. Scrub a toilet. Chase an ice cream van. You're angry all the time because you never exercise. Pick up your copy of Feminine Mystique and do some curls. Slap yourself with it.

Okay. Now we've got all our chores done, let's kibitz about how the marauding government is accosting us sexually. Without lubricant, consent, or any enjoyment.

Anyone who's looked at their pay stub, only to see high number associated with FICA, knows all too well the sensation of burning hot coals in the undergarments. A pain which eventually presents in the entire body. Then, once reaching the oral cavity, it exits in the form of a scream. Remember "Chrissy" in Jaws? Like that.

Feeling even more masochistic, you may engage in a little recreational math. You take what FICA is robbing, add it to Social Security and Medicare, then multiply by 26 or 52, depending on how often you're paid. Voila, the number you see before you is just how much money the federal government has taken from you without your consent. Had you been allowed to keep it, it may have gone toward groceries. The mortgage or rent. A new car. A nice car. Every. Single. Year.

Democrats call paying taxes "patriotism." Republicans call it "We're too incompetent and we want the media to like us, so we'll just volley reform around occasionally." Another good definition is theft. Or for the triggering sake of this column: rape.

Because despite what political nimrods like Harry Reid say, income taxes are not voluntary. Yes, he actually said that. Really wish he'd use those exercise bands more often.

Oh, lest you freelancers out there wave torches at me, I know your pain as well. You don't have money withheld. You have to write Treasury a check. Either one fat check come April, or several chubby ones throughout the year. America. If only we could get back to such a system. No quicker way to enact tax reform than to make every American keep the money. Then cut the check.

Me. Every April.

Now, let's really spike that blood pressure. According to this report, the top 20% of income earners pay 95% of all taxes. That means if your household rakes in as much as $77,000 annually, you're part of the top 20%. You're then demanded to fork over even more cash, "requested" by geriatric bridge trolls like Bernie Sanders. Who are pandering to mostly skinny fat (not a typo) sloths who're cute with their chants, not so much the work ethic. Before Bernie retreats to one of his three houses. You should pay even more to fund such "YUMAN RIGHTS" as healthcare for all, or college tuition for aspirational gender studies pudge sacks. Meanwhile the bottom 80% of taxpayers? They're paying about 5% of the taxes. Fairness my back-squatting ass.

Setting aside government's actual responsibility to provide for the common defense (military), the feds bend us over to take that which they feel is owed to them. To fund such projects as studying why lesbians' body mass tends to balloon. Subsidizing Planned Parenthood, which rings the register twice after pricing out fetal lungs. This doesn't include areas open for debate, like social security and medicare. Or any number of freebee programs sold under the "promote the general welfare" clause. Programs which ultimately keep people poor by encouraging recipients to subsist on the bare minimum. And thus vote for Democrats promising them even more of your money, every two to four years. That's the true meaning of "promoting general welfare" didn't you know?

Taking what doesn't belong to them for their own selfish pleasures, especially under the hopes they'll get reelected by pandering to non-taxpaying citizens (or promising to fund a bigger, badder, more bloated government for better control of population America), is why I say "income tax is rape culture." We didn't consent. Our assets are being stolen. We're threatened with government's gun if we don't smile up at the victimizer post coitus. Few dare cross the strong-armed rapist. All this is done under approval of those who benefit from it.

Final disclaimer: there will be several pompous asshats with hot takes who'll say "Well, I don't mind paying my taxes. I make a good living, I want to 'give back.'" I can explain this sentiment one of two ways. Stockholm syndrome, wherein the victim sympathizes with his captor. But more likely, the "I'm an asshole who wants to come across as noble and generous to my woke, liberal friends at our snooty dinner parties, pass the wine. But I never pay more taxes than I need to, and I wouldn't pay any taxes if I wasn't forced to, but I'll smile smugly as I brush dust off my elbow patched tweed coat." Nobody likes you.

Nothing about our current income tax structure is fair. Yes, yes, I'm aware tax reform was recently passed. Taking away some of the sting of tax rape. But income taxes still suck. Even if you do make a lot of money, you should be allowed to keep that money. Not told to spread 'em, you deserve what's coming to you. How dare you be this attractive a wench. How's a sweaty, mouth-breathing ogre supposed to pass up a juicy broad such as yourself? Or to be gender fluid and fair, a sprightly young nymph of the masculine persuasion. My, what soft skin you have. Open wide, fair child.

So sorry. Underachieving or under-skilled little implings do not get to wail on about fairness or equality while demanding money which doesn't belong to them, to fund programs they want for themselves. Maybe they think us taxpayers are being greedy. Now. But they'll understand when FICA stands before them and unzips its pants.

~Written by Courtney Kirchoff

Now watch Crowder impersonate Bernie: