Are you the type who enjoys the great outdoors? The smell of fresh air? The sounds of flowing streams and birds chirping? If so, I've got bad news old chap. According to this op-ed, you're a Hitler-loving white supremacist.

While trips are open to any student wanting to go, not everyone feels the same ease in entering the outdoors. This discomfort is unfortunately caused by existing racial boundaries.

The discomfort is from a fear of bugs. Snakes. Mudslides. Not having an easily accessible toilet. With a paper seat cover. Not racism's "boundaries." No need to put it off at whitey's allegedly jack-booted feet. Buy some bug spray. Bring a trowel. Use those leaves.

Similarly, the image of a modern outdoor enthusiasts is white, as is the historical image of a naturalist. At present, most famous rock climbers are also disproportionately white.

Rumor has it REI won't let you into their store unless you're as pale as Shaun King. Subaru won't let you buy a Crosstrek unless you can prove white lineage for seven generations. Camelbak will literally melt if it is strapped on a person of color. I saw it on the National Geographic Channel. Which only white people are allowed to view.

This whiteness manifests in the term “outdoorsy” – a descriptor for those who spend a significant time in the outdoors, who are equipped with the necessary gear, and who feel connected to nature. The image of the “outdoorsy individual” is an exclusive classification that gives white people the authority to venture into the outdoors freely, leaving people of color behind.

In other words, should you care to go for a ride on horseback this weekend? You might as well drape a white sheet over yourself and Trigger. You became a white supremacist the moment your boot touched grass. If you want to go for a hike through the woods? You're as oppressive to society as Jim Crow.

I suppose white people should quarantine themselves like The Boy in the Plastic Bubble. You know, pre-bathhouse Travolta-style. Would that even be enough? Probably not. Racism-obsessed leftists are insatiable. Much like Michael Moore's lust for Ben and Jerry's. A white person's obsession with pine-scented furniture polish.

The only thing stopping a melanin-rich lad or lass from rock climbing would be a fear of heights, not "white supremacy." Then again, that would be the white man's fault too. "Those evil honkies kept us at the bottom for so long, now we're terrified of climbing things. Damn the man! Mountains are racist."

Which means if you have more melanin than this Op-Ed writer has sense, you might be an Uncle Tom. How dare you enjoy glamping. Sleeping bags are for creepy ass crackas.

Better to just give up trying and just do your thing, inside or outside. There's no pleasing these dinguses. If even the outdoors is white supremacy, what isn't?

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