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A month ago, some left wing nut at The Guardian suggested that having a fitness routine could turn you into a right wing jerk. As a result, I have created a fitness routine.

And I'm here to help you do it, too.

I have created a 4th of July inspired playlist for you to get swole to. Here it is on Spotify, on Apple Music, and on Pandora.

Or, here it is if you want to make one yourself.

1. The Star-Spangled Banner - Whitney Houston

Preworkout

Is it the greatest recording of the Star-Spangled Banner? Maybe. Bonus knowledge (to make you an extra right-wing jerk): when the recording was released, all royalties and proceeds went to the American Red Cross Gulf Crisis Fund. When it was re-released after 9/11, all the royalties and proceeds went to the New York Fraternal Order of Police and The New York Firefighters 9/11 Disaster Relief Fund. Because that's what Americans do.

If this doesn't get you read to get swole, what are you even doing here?

2. Party in the U.S.A. - Miley Cyrus

Warm-up

Okay. It's more of a love letter to Hollywood, but it's sort of meant to span from Nashville to L.A. See the vastness of our nation and be inspired.

3. 9 to 5 - Dolly Parton

You're getting into it now. Dolly Parton is a great American. And you're here to work.

4. Back in the U.S.A. - Chuck Berry

Again, another outstanding American. With these guitar riffs, you should be able to get moving.

5. Fortunate Son - Creedence Clearwater Revival

Helicopter noises optional.

6. Eye of the Tiger - Survivor

Rocky is one of the greatest American stories ever told, fictional and real. The man sold his dog to achieve his dream. Fight for it.

7. Dangerzone - Kenny Loggins

I'm not sure I have to explain this one. Fighter jets and volleyballs. Keep working.

8. Living in America - James Brown

Another Rocky movie. Another classic American artist.

9. You Give Love A Bad Name - Bon Jovi

I don't know. There's something undeniably American about Bon Jovi and the 80s. Picture Ronald Reagan as you lift heavy things.

10. American Idiot - Green Day

This might seem out of left field. I mean, aren't they making fun of Americans in this song? Especially right-leaning Americans? Yes. However, the members of Green Day don't think they ARE the American idiots, just propaganda shills for the left wing media. It's like they have no self-awareness. If there's anything I love while working out, it's a hefty dose of irony. Also, this song goes pretty hard.

11. American Woman - Lenny Kravitz

Originally written by a Canadian band, like many great things, this song was appropriated for use by Americans. Lenny Kravitz goes hard.

12. Thank God I'm a Country Boy - John Denver

His name is Denver. He's singing about being a country boy. Raising a family. Working on a farm. Based. Merica.

13. Ring of Fire - Johnny Cash

At this point, you should be feeling the burn. It's time to dig into the greatness of America's music history. You need to dig deep to finish your workout.

14. Life in the Fast Lane - Eagles

Every Eagles album is a greatest hits album. You're living life in the fast lane, too. Don't worry. We're almost at the end.

15. Independence Day - Martina McBride

Let freedom ring. You made it. This is the last song. You should be pretty close to having that fifty minute workout. It's time to celebrate your independence.

16. America the Beautiful - Ray Charles

Cool Down

American the Beautiful. Classic patriot song. Then, Ray Charles comes and makes the perfect version of it. Your workout's done. You're beautiful. America's beautiful. Take a minute and enjoy your indoctrination into right-wing jerk-hood. You improved yourself today, and that's a great thing.

*Screaming eagle noise*

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Kate works in production at LwC. She is an author. When she isn’t writing...who are we kidding? She’s always writing. You can find her here on X.