News has been leaking out about Vladimir Putin being in bad health and needing urgent medical help. Russia, of course, denies it. Putin has never been healthier, and it is important for the Russian leader to project strength at all times. To that end, and to prevent any more news about failing health, Putin has an aide collect his poop and carry it around. Because in Soviet Russia, you don't catch sh*t from your boss, you catch your boss sh*t.

At least according to Fox News, according to Rebekah Koffler, president of Doctrine & Strategy Consulting and a former DIA intelligence officer. Whether or not this is all a plant by intelligence officials to make the Russian President look bad, I'll leave that to you to determine. I'm just happy it's a story about bathroom incidents that doesn't involve our president.

Per Ms. Koffler, "Putin fears the possibility of any information about his health getting into the hands of foreign intelligence services. He wants to project the image that he will be ruling Russia indefinitely in order to deter any chaos associated with a change of power."

And in order to do this, he has a special aide whose job it is to retrieve his fecal matter. If only Amber Heard thought of this, she might be $12 million richer. The aide also collects Putin's urine. That means Putin has an actual Piss Boy.

To be clear, this is only when Putin leaves Moscow. He doesn't have people collect his presidential waste while in Russia. That would just be weird.

What's unclear is the exact protocol. So, Putin's at the G20 or a climate summit or something. He feels he has to make boom boom. How are the samples collected? Option A would be security locks down the bathroom, Putin pinches one out, and an extraction team is sent in to retrieve the evidence.

Option B is that to save time, Putin has his aide stand behind him and he takes a dump right into an attache case. This one seems the most likely because the aide would also be in a position to wipe Putin's butt for him, as well.

Exit question: who has the worst job? Putin's poop protector? Or the White House intern critics say is in charge of collecting Biden's soiled tighty whities?

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