Update: So being LWC's resident old head, when I heard "young people" I has assumed that meant zoomers. Turns out the app is for actual kids. I changed the headline and have asked for my supervisors to admonish me for the mistake.

But be honest. This all sounds like something zoomers would do...

There's a new music platform called Yoto that is aimed at young people. If you're saying to yourself, "But Brodigan, don't young people have Spotify and Apple Music like the rest of us?" That's what I thought. It appears Yoto is unique in that, to appeal to young people, it will remove songs that might trigger Zoomers' poor little fee-fees. For example, Queen's 1978 body positivity anthem "Fat Bottom Girls" has been removed from the band's greatest hits album.

Before we go any further, it is important that some of you younger readers are familiar with the source material. Also, and I can't stress this enough, the song f*cking rocks!

According to the exclusive from The Daily Mail:

But 45 years later, it appears that lyrics such as 'left alone with big fat Fanny, she was such a naughty nanny, big woman, you made a bad boy out of me' and 'fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go round' have been hit by the woke cancel culture. But last week it was nowhere to be seen when Universal Records announced they would be releasing a version of the record on Yoto, the new audio platform aimed at young people.

One [industry insider] told The Mail on Sunday: 'It is the talk of the music industry, nobody can work out why such a good-natured, fun song can't be acceptable in today's society.

'It is woke gone mad. Why not appreciate people of all shapes and sizes like society is saying we should, rather than get rid of it.

I'd be curious to hear what songwriter Brian May, one of the greatest to ever pick up a guitar, has to say. He has spoken out about woke nonsense before. "Fat Bottom Girls" isn't just about body positivity, it's also about non-binary body positivity. It checks off TWO boxes! May said in a 2008 interview "I wrote it with [Freddie Mercury] in mind, as you do, especially if you've got a great singer who likes fat-bottomed girls... or boys."

Note: Queen lead singer Freddie Mercury was gay. And I get the feeling if he was still around he'd be one of those bougie gays who thinks things have gone too far. He definitely wouldn't suffer humorless c*nts (he's British, so he can say that) who don't see the cheekiness in: "Left alone with big fat Fanny/She was such a naughty nanny/Heap big woman, you made a bad boy out of me."

Welcome to 2023, where in order to appeal to the youth you have to censor songs people have enjoyed for decades because a handful of emotional hemophiliacs who think the world began the day they were born might have a sad. No rock song will be safe.

Led Zepplin's "Immigrant Song" will get yeeted because it's insensitive to undocumented asylum seekers.

Kiss's "Love Gun," a song written about Paul Stanley's d*ck and how a girl is going to get some of his d*ck (name the movie), has gotta go since we're told to believe girls have d*cks now too. Also, the word "gun."

Kansas' "Carry On Wayward Son" is no good because the son is another cis white male.

Is the sugar in Def Leppard' "Pour Some Sugar on Me" ethically sourced? If not...see ya.

Van Halen's... really, anything sung by David Lee Roth is no bueno.

And Dio's "Hungry for Heaven" is anti-science because it reaks of Christianity, what with all this talk about "Heaven" pushing closed-minded religious beliefs. Say goodbye to Warrant and Bryan Adams too.

Folks, this is why you buy vinyl. Having hard copies of your music library is the only way you'll still have access to the songs you love.

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Brodigan is Grand Poobah of this here website and when he isn't writing words about things enjoys day drinking, pro-wrestling, and country music. You can find him on the Twitter too.

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