Here we are yet again, Alexandria. Some schools of thought suggest you're getting far too much attention from the likes of media, conservative or otherwise, and we should set your account to mute. Problem is we can't mute your ever-flapping mouth. So may as well smack you while you're standing loud, proud, and screaming in everyone's faces like a petulant child never told to sit in the corner to think about what she'd done.

Yesterday, a terrorist shot up a couple of mosques. Rather than pray for the victims, rather than mourn the dead or honor the heroes, you jumped online to condemn, of all things, prayer itself.

Intelligence doesn't come naturally to you, so I'll number my points. Grab a crayon and some construction paper to draw out some notes.

First, no one ever said the act of prayer alone was some kind of invisible shield from the horrors of evil. In fact, read a little history. The act of believing in a higher power, especially a higher power singular, has always struck the ire of those who disagree.

Second, places of worship have always been targets for terrorists, because terrorists, by nature, are evil people. What better way to exercise evil than by mowing down people in a state of peaceful worship as they pay respects and honor to their God?

Third, mass shooters, as the New Zealand terrorist is, target innocent people who are typically defenseless, as mass shooters and terrorists like this most recent asswipe, are cowards by nature. Mass shooters and terrorists do not target places where victims can fight back.

Repeat after me, sweetheart: evil people target innocent people in a defenseless state. Hence shootings at schools, Christian churches, Jewish synagogues and now an Islamic mosque.

You drawing notes, bird brain?

Fourth point, as plenty of people online have noted, just last week you donned the ashes for Ash Wednesday to parade your Catholic beliefs. I say "parade" because if you're criticizing prayer, what you did on Ash Wednesday was nothing more than cheap theatre. You insufferable, opportunistic fraud.

Side note: supporting abortion while Catholic is like supporting veganism as you shovel bacon into your spectacular face hole in those brief, shining moments you are not uttering stupidity.

Which brings me to my fifth point. Depending what finger you used to start counting, this will be either be on your thumb or pinky finger: you're either too stupid to function, or you're a blatant liar stoking religious tensions to advance your own agenda.

No, you packing peanut-brained squawk box. It's not a *Muslim ban* it's a travel ban on countries with shitty control over the vetting of possible terrorists who could pose a threat to Americans. If it was a *Muslim ban* then all Muslim countries would be banned. Islam is the second largest religion in the world, you ignorant sleaze. The travel ban is on Libya, Iran, Somalia, Syria, Yemen, North Korea, and Venezuela. The ban is not on Iraq, Jordan, Indonesia, Egypt, Lebanon, and other Muslim majority countries. Next time one of your aids gives you some notes before you get spanked by someone older and wiser than you (maybe a summer camp counselor if they "identify" as older than 29), have him, her or ze hand you a geography textbook. But perhaps check the reading level is set to ten and under. I'd suggest you read over the Constitution, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

In the meantime, do us all a favor: when there's an international event like a terrorist attack, staple your mouth shut. Put mittens on your pecking fingertips before you can shitpost all over the internet. Spare us, at least for one day, the unmitigated ignorance spewing from your small mind.

Is that clear enough for you? Or should I put together a pop-up book with plenty of bright colors and rhyming words?

~ Written by Courtney Kirchoff