Dear everyone in media infected with Trump Derangement Syndrome:

No, I don't care about Omarosa's scandal. Actually, I had to Google the Omarosa "scandal" just after typing that opening sentence. Because, though I make a living in the evening news, I know y'all just hope for something, something you can use. Name that song.

Maybe I would care about Omarosa if there weren't already seventy Trump "scandals" you've tried making me care about. Over the past year and a half alone. But like the weary villagers, I just can't summon up the cares when a boy screams bloody murder about another wolf attack. See, the Lord God Almighty hath granted me a limited allowance of craps to give. As a responsible person, I must dole those craps with discretion. One crap goes to my job. Another to my family. A crap or two to what I may or may not be doing this weekend and if it involves physical danger. About seven craps to my dogs. By the time the day is fin (that's French for "done"), I've no more craps to give to whatever piddly ass scandal y'all have dredged up in attempts to discredit El Presidente. This week.

No, me not caring about this OMG OMAROSA SCANDAL is not because Omarosa is a "powerful woman of color." I also didn't care about the scandal of Stormy Daniels -- a powerful woman of bewbs -- for much the same reasons I care not one hampster's toot about Omarosa. Stormy's sordid tale seemed like a reach. A supposed hush-hush of an affair that happened before Trump was elected. Also, who's actually surprised that "Grab 'em by the p*ssy" porked a porn star? He or she shocked by the Donald squeezing some porntastic melons cast the first dildo.

Now, back to Omarosa. For those of you who, like me, are only given a limited collection of craps, here's the skuttlebutt: Omarosa supposedly has secret recordings from the White House. Which may or may not reveal Trump is kind of an ass. Firstly, how are secret recordings of anything happening in the White House even allowed to exist? I thought discussions at the White House were kind of a big deal, and should be kept quiet. Secondly, remember when a past president secretly recording meetings in the White House? The event was such a scandal, all scandals thereafter were appended with "-gate." Thirdly, he or she who is shocked that Trump says kind of assholish things, cast the first deck of magic gathering cards.

Incidentally, Omarosa also has a book coming out. In the industry, we call this "incentive." Also a "conflict of interest." In the book industry, what Omarosa is doing may be called "hype." Or "buzz."

In my personal lexicon, I call it "I still don't give a crap."

Maybe I'd care about nasty, mean things Trump may or may not have said if we hadn't been constantly bombarded with faux Trump scandals since before the election. Tinkling prostitutes. Russian meddling. Putin and Trump starting a love train. Mueller. Manafort. Stormy. Trump tweeting about Rocket Man, burning out his fuel up there alone. Kavanaugh. Et cetera, et cetera, and oh by the way, the FBI has some powerful people who may be acting against our republic. But hey, that's not the scandal you're looking for. Move along.

Priorities, media. If you had them in order, perhaps you'd earn my attention. Until next week's scandal...

~ Written by Courtney Kirchoff