Nope, I don't care about Mueller. I don't really care about Barr. If Mueller and Barr walk into a press conference, expect me to not tune in. If Brian Stelter and Chris Cuomo join hands to start a Russian love train, expect me to click anywhere else, even if that elsewhere leads me to websites chock-full of ads about the latest in zit-zapping gizmos. Because I haven't once given two toots to the wind about this Russian Trump Election Gate media pandemonium. For a few simple reasons on which I'll elaborate:

One, and most importantly, Trump is a Russian Agent Oh My scandal is pure media theater designed to knock Trump out of the presidency for the simple crime of having knocked Hillary out of her second stay at the White House. The Russian scandal was never a thing. Did the Russians interfere in the election? Yeah, but they didn't swing it. They ran social media ads. They hacked the DNC, who seemingly password protected their servers with passwords like "password." I'm just glad the same party isn't running the entire show, with Hillary storing her secret servers in bathrooms, wiping them with clothes or something.

Two, there was never any evidence Donald Trump ever colluded with Russians because he never colluded with Russians. The basis of the Russian Agent Oh My scandal is based upon a false dossier written by an opposition research firm, which was then published by BuzzFeed and CNN, later to be labeled by Trump as "fake news" in a glorious video I'll drop below. Yet you media shills believed me and every other American incapable of checking facts, then ran with the Russian narrative in order to undermine Trump's authority as president, hopefully leading to his eventual unseating. Be that losing re-election, resigning, or impeachment.

Look, the hangry vegan makes my point:

Three, it doesn't seem to matter what results or findings are resulted or found from any kind of investigation: you media drones insist Trump is the Kremlin, and Democrats insist Trump must be dispatched. Similarly, Trump acolytes insist no matter the results or the findings, that Trump is playing underwater 4D chess. Nothing, absolutely nothing, seems to change despite whatever report says whatever thing.

All I know is the report found NO COLLUSION. But here's a live shot of you idiots:

Does this mean Trump is a shining example of morality? No. But it does mean there was no collusion with Russia.

Which brings me to my fourth and final reason for not giving a crap about Muller Russia Trump Gate with a Candlestick in a Bathroom with a Peeing Prostitute: THERE WAS NO COLLUSION. You people are trying to make me care about a thing that never happened. I guess I'm just too busy caring about things that actually happen, which actually matter, which actually affect my life, to have any remaining craps to give to a thing which never happened, which doesn't matter, which doesn't affect my life. I care about abortion laws, transwomen atheletes stealing opportunities from women, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez thinking she's going to save the world by ruining it first, and how cute dogs are on Twitter. I don't care about a scandal that is not, will not be, and never was.

So please, for the love of all things real, enough with the Fake News of the Russian Collusion narrative. You cannot make me care. You will never make me care.

~Written by Courtney Kirchoff

As promised: