by Krystal Heath and Steven Crowder

In case you live under a rock and missed the big news this week... Starbucks has decided to start a #RaceTogether campaign... translation: baristas will be "engaging" you in a discussion about race relations in the United States.  In the morning.  Before you've had your caffeine. They think this is a good idea.

If you need an alternate, we're suggesting Dunkin Donuts.  Here's why:

1.  #RaceTogether!  Did you read that first paragraph above?  We're all for having a national conversation about race, but the 30 seconds I want to spend getting my morning caffeine rush is not the right time and the 19 year old college-dropout barista is not the right person.

2.  Joe Biden once tried to talk about race as it relates to coffee.  And that went, well, very badly.  Choose Dunkin... because America's got to find a way to apologize for crazy Uncle Joe, somehow.

3.  Dunkin has a happy symbol on their cups and napkins and stuff.  Just a couple of harmless letter D's.  Sesame Street-esque, almost.  Starbucks has a symbol of... Starbucks, a double-tailed siren from greek mythology.  Siren as in, a sea-creature who would allure sailors to their deaths.  Yup, that's a goddess of death on your cup 'o joe.

4.  Starbucks is a very, very liberal and anti-Christian company.  Support traditional marriage?  You're not welcome by the death goddess.  Don't take our word for it, though.  To quote the CEO, Howard Schultz, "You can sell your shares in Starbucks and buy shares in another company." In a nutshell, Starbucks would rather you evil Christians NOT buy their coffee!

5.  Your wallet.  Hey, if you want to pay $50 for breakfast, go ahead.  But Dunkin is cheaper, and quite frankly, way more delicious than that no-foam double shot 10 pumps vanilla white venti mocha decaf soy latte with an extra shot and cream at 120 degrees.  (Plus, we're pretty sure just saying those words makes you a racist.  Just sayin.)

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