Thank the flying spaghetti monster the dastardly TSA is catching all those would-be 13-year-old terrorists who are hijacking planes and smashing them into skyscrapers. Let that be all the intro you need into this disgusting display of TSA at work.

First the full pat down...

No, I don't know why there's an image of a man's face at left, coming over randomly like a creepy creeperson. It's probably a metaphor for TSA while also a stamp to show the video is somehow "original." Moving on.

Here's a report from the family, who are (reasonably) outraged over TSA's intrusive groping of a thirteen-year-old.

Whatever you do, don't read the comments on either video. The commenters seem to think because this boy is "white" and "everyone else goes through the same procedure," to take issue with an old man groping a thirteen-year-old boy in shorts and a t-shirt is somehow justified. Welcome to the Internet 2017. It needs full disclaimers for the abhorrence. Read also Disgusting: TSA Batters Young Girl With Disabilities.

But to prove how disgusting this is, let's replace the white boy with a black boy. Or a black girl. Let's say a black girl, we'll call her Janelle, forgot to put her computer in its own bin. Because Janelle failed a TSA procedure (this is Janelle's first flight), her entire family is pulled out of line. Janelle is then told to spread her feet while Daryl, TSA's version of what Santa Claus might look like if thought up by Tim Burton, feels her up. Janelle's mother whips out her smartphone and posts the video to Facebook.

Three, two, one...

Of course this gif was coming.

Suddenly the case is about government overreach, profiling, and a backward TSA policy which erroneously flags innocuous bystanders for the sake of being politically correct and "equal." It would be "wrong" to profile certain people of certain races or certain religions which have a proclivity for spectacular self-explosion. Ergo the little children must be groped for America. Go stand over there, mom and dad, and watch as your precious dumpling is squished by a pervert. An alleged pervert, for the lawyers. But hey, at least we didn't pat down Ahmed. #Progress

Answer me this: was the plane made safer because this boy had an old geezer run the back of his hand over his pee-pee? Of course, the family missed their flight, so we'll never know. Because I'm just not seeing how cupping an underage boy's penis is making air travel a better way to fly. Suddenly job applications for TSA got bombarded by closeted pedophiles.

Cleanse your palate.

JOIN THE MUG CLUB AND GET ACCESS TO NEW CONSERVATIVE MEDIA VIA CRTV! ORDER YOUR MUG CLUB MEMBERSHIP NOW!