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White HouseJuly 16, 2023
Tucker Carlson does two hilarious minutes on the White House cocaine scandal: "My Favorite Story Of All Time"
Tucker Carlson was the keynote speaker at the Turning Point Action conference on Saturday. He was about to wrap up when an audience member yelled out about cocaine at the White House. As most of you know, there was blow found at the White House where Joe Biden works and lives. On an unrelated note, Hunter Biden doesn't do cocaine. He just likes the smell.
Carlson couldn't resist. The White House cocaine scandal is his favorite story of all time.
Unfortunately, we have to fact-check Tucker. It wasn't an entire 8-ball of coke. It was only a dime bag of coke. Tucker should be more precise with his language. We figured he'd want to hear it from a friend and not Politi"fact."
A cocaine in the White House timeline
There was a mystery packet of white powder found at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. The story kept changing. The blow was found in the West Wing, then not in the West Wing, then in the West Wing again. It's been in the library, a work area, up Hunter's butt, in an executive cubby, and so on.
The final story was that it was found in an uber-exclusive area of the White House near the situation room. An area they were oddly specific about pointing out was right near where Kamala Harris parks her car.
Karine Jean-Pierre spread misinformation from the White House podium that the Biden Family wasn't even in the White House at the time. They were. Joe AND Hunter.
The Secret Service concluded its investigation and said they have no idea whose cocaine it was. Even corporate media says BULLPLOP!
"Don't trust a man with numb gums."
Tucker didn't take the low-hanging fruit and make a Hunter Biden joke. The cocaine could have been anyone who uses that secure area of the White House. Even Joe Biden. Finding out that Biden and/or his cabinet members do blow explains so much of their agenda. Being in media for a quarter of a century, Carlson has seen people high on coke before.
Acting out someone riding those white lines:
“I’ve got a plan. YOU’RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE IT! It’s unbelievable. It’s going to totally work. What we’re going to do? We’re gonna totally rearrange everything, okay? We’ve been doing things a certain way for a long time, okay? And it’s worked! But I’ve got a better plan!”
Tucker ended with some sage-like advice for the audience: don’t trust a man with numb gums. We can only hope the impressionable Turning Point audience takes Carlson's wisdom to heart.
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Brodigan is Grand Poobah of this here website and when he isn't writing words about things enjoys day drinking, pro-wrestling, and country music. You can find him on the Twitter too.
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