If you didn’t notice already, it’s the first of April, i.e. it’s April Fools’ Day. I haven’t been pranked (yet). However, I’m going to leave the opportunity open for this video to be a giant April Fools’ prank. I just don’t want to believe this girl is serious as she cries out in agony because some cook is scoring a freakin’ chicken thigh.

On second thought, I’m pretty sure this woman is just crazy. I mean, how exactly would a chicken be screaming “No!” as the knife cuts through it? It’s just a dismembered piece of chicken at that point? And if it’s supposed to be something like the spirit of the chicken, I’m pretty sure chicken ghosts aren’t caring about what happens to their bodies after they’re dead. Don’t they have an infinitely large chicken coop in the clouds with all the corn they can eat? I mean, that would have to be chicken heaven, right?

You know she had to sit down and write this entire thing, too. And even after putting pen to paper, after reading through the words she strung together, she still thought in that tiny little chicken-empathizing brain of hers that it sounded like something worth pairing to the video and broadcasting to the world… The internet may have been one of the best and worst things to ever happen to humanity.

Something about her pairing consent to the butchering and cooking of chicken reminds me of the crazy radical feminist Dr. Jordan Peterson spoke of once. I’m sure that woman was this girl’s muse… Or maybe they are related in some way. Perhaps this level of nutty is genetic.

Regardless, the video makes me want to go out and get some chicken… But it’s Friday during Lent, and I can’t do that, so I’ll just do it tomorrow. Everyone, go out and eat chicken tonight in honor of our cringy vegan friend here!

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