Never will you find a more wretched hive of self-righteousness and douchebaggery than within the vegan community. Here's a new development in Soyland. Apparently, vegans' opposition to animal cruelty isn't limited to actual incidences anymore. Now, they have a problem with "cruel" animal-related expressions as well.

I kid you not:

"Bringing home the bacon" may soon be banned in order to stop offending vegans, an academic has claimed.

Other expressions including "killing two birds with one stone" and "flog a dead horse" could also apparently go out of fashion.

This is to avoid offending animal lovers, according to Shareena Hamzah of Swansea University.

Animal rights charity Peta is also on board and wants people to replace sayings such as "take the bull by the horns" with "take the flower by the thorns".

Dr Hamzah believes that the influence of veganism will bring awareness of animal cruelty and encourage people towards using less meat-themed phrases.

"These carnivores are verbally skinning cats to describe the various methods of accomplishing a task. Do we really need to off two majestic birds with a rock just to explain the mechanics of multitasking? We cannot allow this metaphorical cruelty toward these metaphorical animals to stand."

I think the lack of animal proteins in these vegans' diet is causing their IQs to drop below sea level. If someone you love happens to be a vegan, do them a kindness and sneak some bone broth into their miso soup when they're not looking. It'll help them think more clearly. This might help spare a couple of chicken trucks from getting rammed. Fur-wearers from getting involuntary showers of red paint. Ice cream buyers from suffering tongue-lashings from herbivore douchenuggets.

Left or right, I think we can all admit vegans are a pack of certifiable nutbars. Banning expressions isn't going to make anyone swap Slim Jims for tofu. Now, if you'll excuse me, theres a ribeye calling my name.

Speaking of vegans:

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