The theory of man-made climate change: it's that ex-boyfriend or girlfriend who haunts all your favorite spots. Always there. Sometimes hiding, waiting to jump out at you to offer a lecture about WHAT WENT WRONG. WHY DIDN'T YOU CARE? IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT. There to make you feel guilty just for breathing. You just can't enjoy anything anymore. But like that breakup, it's not you. It's them. Global warming/cooling isn't happening (Top Climate Scientists Admit Their Models Have Been Very Wrong). Move on.

Of course you and I, the sane ones, would love to move on. But thanks to clingy ninnymuggins like Bill Nye, these Attorneys general, and now this judge, moving on is a luxury we no longer have. Like getting a paper bag at checkout without the eye-brow raises.

A King County Superior Court judge has reversed a ruling that gave the Washington State Department of Ecology the opportunity to decide when to cut statewide greenhouse gas emissions. Because of a lawsuit filed by eight Washington State kids, Judge Hollis Hill has ruled that the threat of climate change is so urgent that the state must be placed on a court-ordered deadline to hold polluters accountable now. The decision was the first of its kind.

Methinks this report was intercepted. On its way to the made for TV-movie mod squad at Hallmark Studios. Expensive gift cards weren't enough. The corn-factor had to go to TV. Cue the single note piano rendition of Eye of the Tiger for this: the judge changed her mind because kids made him feel guilty about the nonexistent endangerment of their futures. So much for the wisdom of elders. Maybe that was in a different film.

Here's her "reasoning":

The reason I'm doing this is because this is an urgent situation. These children can't wait, the polar bears can't wait, the people of Bangladesh can't wait. I don't have jurisdiction over their needs in this matter, but I do have jurisdiction in this court, and for that reason I'm taking this action.

Point by point:

"These children can't wait." Yes they can. And they should. The court system was never established for whiners to waltz in and demand solutions to fake problems. Unless it's Barbie's Pink Judge Palace. Or unless you're a man who thinks he's a woman (Transgenders Now Demand Their Surgeries be Covered as 'Non-Cosmetic'). Also, kids aren't going to die from a 1.53 degree increase in warmth over the course of 100+ years. A prediction brought to you by people who have trouble predicting the next four hours.

"The polar bears can't wait." Actually, there are more polar bears than ever. Though I'm sure they're flattered you thought of them. They think of you all the time. As dessert.

"The people of Bangladesh can't wait." Come again? There are almost 200 countries in the world for you to choose from and pick Bangladesh? You have no jurisdiction over Bangladesh. Since we're on the subject of Bangladesh's pressing issues, though, Islam is their state religion. Heads are rolling. Not in a figurative sense. The non-Muslims keep getting persecuted in that region. Less scary one degree temperature rising and more being hacked to bits with knives. If you want to start helping the people of Bangladesh, maybe discussing how not to stab the gays?

If you disagree, you may be fined and sent to jail. For the sake of the polar bears.

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